Machete Thrills...and Kills

Readers of my blogs will know that the original Machete blew my cotton Jagermeister socks (yes really) clean off. It was a violent, stylish and sexy romp, filled a good dosage of dark humour, something The Expendables should have been, a perfect homage to the action movies of the 1980s (which I am a huge fan of). In short, Machete, much like the guy who plays him, was/is ACE. Its up there with Cobra and Robocop (in my opinion) and all of the other gritty, gallows humour type shit and having just this minute finished watching Machete Kills I can happily report it is more of the same.
Oh f**king yes! Machete kills and kills and kills....then kills again, without mercy, without pretense at being a nice guy (yes he's a good guy but one who shuns dainty handshakes because he's Machete motherf**ka). If you are looking for a movie which takes outrageous weapons and action sequences to create a gore filled circus of death? Take Machete home tonight (but put away the Twitter because Machete don't Tweet).
Charlie Sheen is hilarious as the President ("I'm the f**king President of the United f**king States!") who tasks the badass Mexican to track down an arms dealer who is after launching a weapon into space. Mel Gibson is Daddy Baddie (my title not the films) this time around and wanna know something? He does a ruddy decent job of it too! Granted Steven Seagal had more menace in the original but Gibson's character, Voz, has a cooler, Bond type villain thing going on and even though I am not a fan of 007, something 'flicked my switch' here.
Speaking of Bond, Machete Kills has its fair share of beautiful women (I do NOT include Lady GaGa obviously) and director Robert Rodriguez is inspired in having them show off their delicious curves via strap-on groin pistols and armoured corsets that fire machine guns (a shout back to Planet Terrors machine gun legs). Hooker assassin babes, that is what we have here folks. Ace. Of course none of them hold a candle to sultry uber-babe Michelle Rodriguez, who even when rocking an eye patch manages to look f**k hot.
Machete Kills is great fun and easily a triumph in my eyes. It doesn't do anything different from Machete, like I said its purely more of the same but that's the point; Machete KILLS. Here we have a crazy, louder than hell action hero, offing an assortment of equally louder than hell, batshit mad villains. The movie isn't attempting a stab (no pun intended) at serious cinema, go watch Life Of Pi if you want that. Machete is what it is, a fist pumpin' joyride through over-the-top mayhem and one liners that can, if you let it, sweep you back to times of Commando and American Ninja.
And as for that finale? Machete 3 (come on, we all know it'll happen!) looks like it will take organ yanking to a whole new level. Quite literally!

Gutterbox rating

Evil Dead 2013

Im with you Ash.

Just watched the Evil Dead remake (2013) directed by Fede Alvarez and oh woes, just as I expected it was nothing to write home about (or even bother going to buy a stamp.) Even watching for free I felt cheated, so seriously, do not get excited about slapping that £5 Morrisons DVD into the player. The original has not been bested, not by a long shot. And I was one of those pumped at the time by those excellent trailers. In the words of the interwebs; I iz disappoint.
So what was different? Well this time the five chums head out to the famous spooky, remote cabin to help a friend withdraw from drugs (and admittedly I liked this idea) but besides that nothing changes. At all. The dopes (pun intended) discover the awesomely titled "Book Of The Dead", end up summoning mad demons from a properly f**ked up universe and its evil spirit possession a-go-go! The fight for survival is on baby!
Now don't get me wrong, it IS a gore filled jamboree, that I will grant thee, any vampire watching will be in raptures over the lashings of human claret spilled but other than that (and to be fair, some aren't looking for more) this remake isn't a patch on the original. In fact the full on turbo gore gets a tad tedious by the end because its used so much. "Oh, theres another severed limb scene? Ho hum, pass the cider." By the finale all those falling guts and innards only serve to make the viewer feel bloated and fed up, and you can forget any hopes of getting freaked out like you were in the original (and you were admit it), it just ain't happening in the 2013 version. By the end, the more the chainsaw screams, the more I was belching out the yawnage. "More blood sir?" "No thanks Jeeves, pass the Watership Down."
Oh and the female 'Ash'? Weak man, no more a boomstick than a tickling stick.

Gutterbox rating

The Human Centipede

Not impressed: a real centipede yesterday

Oh dear. Who gave this mess the green light? It always happens with horror films though, so I shouldn't be surprised. Every so often a writer/director comes along and attempts to be as outrageous as possible, but in this eagerness to provoke a reaction they forget that supposedly shocking ideas often look ridiculous when they are 'assembled' on the silver screen. The Human Centipede is a fine example of this. Whats the matter Mr Tom Six? Couldn't come up with anything better? He claims it was inspired by a drunken idea and that I can well believe. Some ideas sound grand when floating on whisky clouds but alas it is time to sober up.
This movie is no David Cronenberg masterpiece. Stitching people together to create a pet centipede? Lame. An dea a group of stoned students might cobble together after a few weak spliffs. Sure its a nod in the direction of Nazi surgeons but its not shocking in the least. In fact I watched it as total comedy, more often than not wondering how I could get my crazy ideas funded for film. Did he drug them like Dr Heiter does his victims? And who were these 'actors'? Id never heard of any of them. Couldn't hire anyone decent huh?
After the success of movies like Saw and Hostel, directors are tearing down boundaries of decency in order to get the next gory hit but sooner or later you will hit a wall. Nothing seems as shocking anymore and this is what I feel happened with the Human Centipede; it thinks it has a mind blowing, new idea to cause revulsion and it probably would have done 20 years ago but today? No.
And yet weirdly, even after saying all of this I would still recommend people give it a spin. It does have a truly sinister vibe throughout and even though I personally didn't find the idea behind "The Human Centipede" shocking, its definitely creepy and pokes at the nerves of revulsion. Mainly because the very idea of a surgeon using his skills to 'sculpt' abominations reminds us like ive said of the Nazi horrors of WW2 and shakes our trust in the image of the kindly doctor (this is a profession meant to fix human bodies, not mutilate them.)
I just feel it missed the chance to be a classic horror due to being made at a time when audiences have mostly been desensitized owing to the amount of gore hitting the silver screen. Don't forget, this is an age where even zombies have their own television series (The Walking Dead) which is quite the leap from the Dallas and A Teams that I grew up with.
A mixed bag then for me, rather like the 'centipede' itself.

Gutterbox rating

Cabin In The Woods

The Gutterbox doesn't usually cover mainstream movies but after watching "Cabin In The Woods" recently and being a tad impressed by it, it deserves a quick mention. This is a chunky funky film which reminded me of "Evil Dead" dropped into the grinder with a touch of "Saw" and a smidgen of "Fear No Evil". To be honest I wasn't expecting much but quickly got into it. There are not many modern horror flicks worth a second glance, afterall its all been done before, how many new bloody deaths can one dream up without repeating oneself? Also directors are dealing with a largely desensitised audience, it can't be easy revving those eager, bloodthirsty pulses.

Sharktopus

Mexico beware

Eric Roberts has had better gigs I can assure you. And yes, that even includes DOA: Dead or Alive. Poor guy must have had an unexpected elecricity bill to pay or something because its the only reason I can think why anyone would willingly be involved in Sharktopus. Hey theres no shame, we've all had to do it at some point (okay perhaps not feature in rubbish B-movies but you know what I mean.) GutterBox had high hopes for this movie too, its a sucker for 'creature features' but alas there is little of either here. Turn back folks! It is disappoint.
So what gives? The good ol' U.S. Navy goes hunting for a new weapon and when a group ('Blue Water') create a half-octopus, half-shark beast, the Navy decides this nightmarish hybrid would be perfect. Submarines? They are SOOO 1980's. Far better (certainly cooler) to have the love-child of Jaws and the Kraken on the team and unleash THAT onto the enemy. S-11 (codename) is the pet of a mad professor from a videogame and its got to be said he (or she) does look pretty neat. I mean you wouldn't want one swimming off the Pembrokeshire Coast or anything but S-11 is definately the stuff of horror films. Shame this one makes him look rubbish.
Basically Sharktopus is a t!t parade with a rubber shark monstrosity poking its head in and out of cleavage every so often.
You can guess what happens right? Yup, Sharktopus escapes and is soon snacking on a smörgåsbord of beach worshippers. MMmm! Lovely! Pass the sauce tartare. And suddenly its up to a reporter, her cameraman (nice tatts by the way) and a mercenary to slay the beast. Seems the U.S. Navy are kinda woosie when it comes to clearing up their own mess.


Jaws gets owned

Gutterbox rating

One Eyed Monster

Blows a load

"The most outrageous horror story in the world...Or out of it!" Announces the blurb on the back of the DVD case like a circus ringmaster on amphetamine, and Gutterbox cant help but agree. One Eyed Monster is definately outrageous but sometimes that means falling on the wrong side of good or bad. Afterall, anyone can be outrageous, all it takes is enough Jagerbombs.
I don't know what I was expecting from a film where the monster is an alien homocidal maniac dick but boy this is straight from the walk of shame. Sound odd? Its madness, hich would be fine if it was any good but it isn't. What this film is is terrible, even worse than Ozombie. The only good thing about One Eyed Monster is the fact that it stars two porno legends in Ron Jeremy and the ever beautiful Veronics Hart.
So what goes on? The cast and crew of a pornographic film head off up a snowy mountain to film some fruity scenes for a forthcoming skin flick but all goes to sh!t when Ron J goes off for a pee and a weird light hits him and his prized member gets possessed by an alien force, killing Ron and going after the rest of the cast. Thats right, the One Eyed Monster here is a penis, though what Ronnie has been feeding it on I shudder to think. Laughs Out Loud.
Ut sounds like a real hoot, perfect so-bad-its-good material but unfortunately the dick might be hungry but its a limp mess. You hardly ever see any deaths and even when you do see a guy get split in two, its not the messy end you could expect from better horror film directors. The gore count is a flaccid ZERO despite it being rated over 18 and as splatter movies go its rather like eating chocolate with the wrapper on. One Eyed Monster could easily be rated 15.
The only funny line I got from it was "Ive got an axe to Bobbit you back to space." Which did make me chuckle but besides that this has nothing going for it. (And lets not forget, im a huge fan of Veronica Hart and her other movies *ahem*) I only paid £1 for One Eyed Monster but I still feel cheated. Avoid like an STD.

Gutterbox rating

Broads Beneath the Light II

Retro Princess: Suzanne Snyder

I ♥ the 80's. The videogames, movies, metal music. It felt like we were at the dawn of a new age, and of course we were, just think about all the classic stuff this decade gave us. Pac Man, Rambo and Metallica all belong in this era, along with a treasure trove of other cool stuff.
The eighties also brought the beautiful Suzanne Snyder (above) to the silver screen, most famously in Weird Science (1985) and the totally cool B movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988). My heart reached a few new gears, when my teenage eyeballs saw her play the two Debs in those two films.
Ms Snyder is the entire package for me. A typical American Beauty, Miss Heartbreak '85. She hits all the right notes and could make chalk on a blackboard sound good. Cute, pretty, sweet, gorgeous; the leading light in a cave of otherwise horse faced Sarah Jessica Parker lookalikes. (Or should that be stable?)
Gutterbox f**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder. If I still owned a pencil case I would stencil "Gutterbox F**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder" all over it. Funnily enough those two movies are the only things I have ever seen her in. I know she has appeared in other films and shows but ive missed them. Perhaps its better this way because time might not have been kind to her. But I can't imagine that, not when I gaze into the photo above like a frothy schoolkid home alone with his first smutty magazine.

Zombie Attack

Museum Of Zombies?

See where it says Zombie Attack on the dvd cover? Well it ignore it because according to the menu screen this movie is called Museum Of The Dead. And before you think ive drunkenly mixed up my films, no siree! It has the words Zombie Attack slapped on the disc in sickly yellow. Splendid! Before we even begin, we don't know what the actual movie is called. How about we jumble it up a little: Zombie Attacks In The Museum Of The Dead? Dead Museums Attacks Zombies? To be honest you could call it Zombie Does Dallas, it makes no difference because the pulse to this movie has truly left the building. Or museum.
So what gives? American students decide to spend Halloween in a museum that is exhibiting skulls and ancient relics. Oh and its haunted by psychotic, painted warriors in grass skirts and 'zombies' with torches for eyeballs. Where they came from, or why they are prowling around a Californian museum (I assume its Cali) we are never really told, only that some bad guy called "Boli" decided it would be sorta fun.
Seriously this is one of those movies that feels like it was knocked up as the cameras rolled. No story or script, just make shit up as we go along! "I know! Lets have two idiot women wander around a maze-like museum and have them act really stinky when something nasty pops up!" Yup, its exactly as if the director thought this.
Now usually in movies this awful there are funny scenes (albeit unintentional) but Zombie WhateverItsCalled has none which was disappointing because I needed something to keep me watching. (Why do you think those pints of cider always appear in the photographs? Those aren't props man, they're medicinal.)


Don't look into its eyes!
It has the stare of 1000 Miseries.

To cut a long story (what story?) short, Zombie Attack is a f**king shambles of a horror movie, (or any type of damned movie) and ive watched gentle, summer clouds pass over with more sense of panic than this painful abomination. Think of the time you made your first catapult as a youngster. There you stood, clutching a new weapon, feeling all badass and plotting the first rabbit kill on a hunt. You were going to lay waste to all but all you ever hit were empty baked bean tins. This is what this movie must have been like for its makers. An abysmal failure.

Gutterbox rating

EvilBreed: Legend of Samhain

Breasts roam these woods

There ought to be warnings on certain movies: "Caution this film contains porn actors, as a result this dvd has a strong probability of being garbage". Then again when delving into the bargain bin of a cheapo shop , one mustn't expect Citizen Kane. Or even Citizen Wolfy (fans of 70s British television will understand.)
Now lets be clear here, Gutterbox is not saying porno stars in films are a bad thing. Oh no quite the contrary, watching the gorgeous Ginger Lynn Allen adopt an 'Irish' accent and call herself Pandora is a good thing in a pervy kinda way and gets a thumbs up from this site. And having Jenna Jameson's famous tittyfallays plastered over the dvd cover is a welcome sight indeed. They are a thing of beauty indeed! The pair of 'em.
Its just that....well acting is not their strong point. (Although I could argue that horror movies are not 'serious cinema' and therefore porno actors suit the genre perfectly but anyway *shrugs*)
EvilBreed sets out its cheapo stall early on with a coastal flyover that is the opening credits. Come on director chappy! This was nicked off an old British tourism advert right? I half expected Leonard Rossiter to walk into shot carrying a bottle of Martini. Its possibly one of the most weird starts to a horror film ever, and ruins any creepy vibe that should be there in its place. But I should have known, especially when just a few screens later we witness a woman in obvious distress being swallowed alive by what appears to be quicksand, and her 'boinking pardner' asking, "Amy, are you okay?" Erm...drowning in quicksand is fun?
Possibly more fun than this movie.

Fer Crissakes stick to the path!




Best enema EVER

EvilBreed sort of admits its rubbish when one of the students comments that all bad slasher movies star sex hungry teenagers and virgin heroes but I got the feeling it was being serious. "Yes we know other films are bad but we are aware of how bad thus making us cool". Thats the vibe I got from it. And it IS bad folks, trust me when a dvd is paused as much as this just to grab daft photographs to post on Twitter then the director has f**ked up. Yup its boring.
There was one hilarious bit though. When Jenna Jameson's character gets nabbed by the monster who after gutting her, reaches under her breast bone and yanks out a bag of silicone which he tries to eat. The WTF look on his mug is priceless and if he was a descendant creature of Sawney Beane (an old Scottish cannibal) then he must have wondered what humans had done to themselves in 500 years.
So anywhoo a quick synopsis: troubled teens go to Ireland with well meaning adult. Troubled teens ignore local traditions/folklore and get murdered in suitable grisly fashion by man in a costume made up of teeth and boils. The End. Its pretty much textbook horror by numbers and the only thing missing is a killer with a stoopid name and even stoopider costume (see my Killjoy review elsewhere on this site.)
I was really hoping for another addition to the Gutterbox Quid Club with EvilBreed because its been a while since we had a decent cheesy slasher-fest to put on the shelf, but alas where it qualified on the fact it only cost £1 from Poundland, it utterly FAILED on the So-Bad-Its-Great side of things. Would I recommend it? Only if you are Jenna Jameson or Ginger Lynn Allen's number one fans and had to buy ALL of their movies.

Gutterbox rating

Ozombie

He wasn't dead afterall *shocker*

£5. You don't get much for a fiver these days and what you do get (in the way of entertainment) can pretty much be guaranteed garbage unless its an old classic. (Check out the prices of a new Playstation 3 triple A title to see what I mean.) Long gone are the days of Chinese takeaway, a four pack and an evening on the tiles. If you happen to be stuck indoors with a fiver, you are limited to the oodles of fun you can have without renting from Blockys or Netflix.
Luckily for you cheap horror films like Ozombie exist. Believe me, mucho fun can be had for just five of your British pounds as long as you don't take your fun so seriously.
Ozombie. This movie looked such a perfect title for the Gutterbox. The bloodthirsty undead. Sexy women. Loud guns and cheesy one liners. Hell count us in! Just add alcohol and its a sure fire hit. Or is it? Well it would have been if only certain things had been erased. Some pointers: weedy boy band lookalikes are never a good idea in horror films. They end up looking like tone deaf X Factor rejects, scrambling around looking for mummy. (And incidentally when filmed in slow motion, bitch slapping mannequins just end up looking like an episode of Jackass on rewind.)
Oh and female hard asses. Either hire Leila Ali and do that shit proper or dont. Avoid booking some bubble haired tease who looks about as threatening as Minnie the Minx. Oh and steer clear of attempting Terminator type killer lines. Hmmm...what was it again? "Hey Bum Face!" (True line taken from Ozombie.) Yes that ought to send the baddies screaming for them thar hills.




Touch! Ozombie's on it! Ruuuuun!

Anyhoo you wanna hear the story? Its wafer ham thin but here goes: Dusty is on a desperate mission to save her brother Derek, a lad convinced Osama bin Laden is alive, nevermind the whole buried at sea lark. Over in Afghanistan, Dusty meets a gang of special forces on a hush hush mission (aint they all?) And whaddya know? Derek is not so crazy, and Bin Laden has returned the grave. Shit! Not only that but he's creating a zombie terrorist army. Double shit!
Guess what happens? You're ahead of me right? Yup the soldiery macho gang, crash into the middle of the apocalypse and must battle their comical asses out of the undead infestation.
Now I like zombie flicks. I FKING LOVE 'EM! But Ozombie is dead from the start. Its worse than dead, its slopping out as the disc spins while your cellmate sizes up that cute ass of yours. I went from wondering if this was a boy band video gone down a bad alley, or a MTV dress rehearsal. Its craaaap in other words, bereft of any cool ideas whatsoever. Of course the Gutterbox know only too well what happened here. After a few too many bourbons at the movie lot, some guy primed on scotch fumes pitched a 'real rad idea' about a pissed off Osama wanting to kick Western ass in revenge for his inglororious end. "Make him a f**king ZOMBIE!" Said film man. "Everyone loves zombies, look at The Walking Dead. It will rock!" And the nodding heads (none too wiser from the same bourbon) gave Ozombie a green light. Lucky us eh? Wheres that fly swatter?
Let Gutterbox put you lovely readers right here: as we've already said, you don't have much options on what to waste a fiver on but quite frankly you'd have more fun lighting the note and watching money burn than buy this dvd. Unless you really love zombies, and we mean really REALLY love zombies, like having zombie pyjamas and zombie flavoured toothpaste (hmmm idea there), Ozombie isn't much fun. Or much good. Or isn't much anything.

Gutterbox rating

Ghoulies II

Scream until you like it

Ghoulies (1985) is a rarity in movies in that the sequel is actually better than the original. Its more fun and 'in yer face' making the first one rather dull in comparison. All that seems to happen in Ghoulies is a a guy and his squeeze move into an old creepy looking mansion (aren't they all creepy?) and he gets into witchcraft and the 'dark arts', bringing demons to the place. The fool. And you know what? Its not much more than that. No chilling atmosphere, or gory deaths, it is the ready salted to the sequels salt and vinegar.
Ghoulies II (1988) on the other hand, is a good outing and was accompanied by a banging "Scream Until You Like It" theme song by metal band W.A.S.P. Its everything the original wasn't and you could be forgiven for thinking they are not even part of the same 'series'. The second movie rocks (and not just because of W.A.S.P.) hell it even has a Shakespeare quoting dwarf called Sir Nigel Penneyweight who looks like Lionel Ritchies mad (shorter) twin and a tanked up Royal Dano. (Theres another actor who like George 'Buck' Flower, seemed to be in every movie of the 1980s.)
The story is simple: the ghoulies hide in "Satan's Den", part of a travelling circus and fortunes are about to change for the struggling attraction when the fiendish demons begin killing off its customers (customers who initially believed the monsters were part of the act.) So its up to uncle Ned (Dano), his nephew and Sir Nigel to put a stop to the bloody shenanigans and a roaring little romp it is too. If you haven't seen it yet (where have you been?) then I suggest you head on over to Youtube where some kind soul has uploaded it in handy 10 minute parts.
Don't be suprised if you find yourself rooting for the beasties either. This film, much like Critters which was released around the same time, is one of those horror films where the audience gets taken in by the 'charm' of the baddies. For instance in a scene at the fairground where a Ghoulie pulls the bolt out of a ride which sees the unfortunate occupants hurtling to their deaths, I found myself punching the air and laughing like a drain. (And I know others have too so it wasn't down to my macabre sense of humour.)
Just avoid the first film, theres nothing worth punching there apart from yourself if you spent money buying it.



Bang that head

Retro Evening

Im 41 today, and now that birthdays are coming sooner because with age the years get shorter, I thought it good to watch the movies that were released when I was 14, my age today with the kindest number first. Years seemed longer back then, much much longer.

Days Of Wine and Roses

Classic

Hitchcock's Vertigo has knocked Citizen Kane off the top "Best Films Of All Time" spot. Both great films but the Gutterbox greatest movie of all time is Days of Wine and Roses (1962). Directed by Blake Edwards (from a screenplay by JP Miller) and starring a brilliant Jack Lemmon alongside an utterly convincing (and beautiful) Lee Remick, it tells the story of an alcoholic couple who once hooked on the demon drink, find their lives falling from the blissful heights of happy families into the dirty and chaotic trenches of addiction.
I first saw Days Of Wine and Roses when I was surfing the movie channel late at night a few years ago and I almost (through tiredness) turned it off. Suffice to say im very glad I didn't press the red button. The film is brilliant! And the fact its black and white is wonderful too because it seems to highlight the fact that the subject matter (alcoholism) only ever has light and darkness, in that there is seldom any real choices with the disease.
If you haven't yet seen this movie, I strongly suggest you do so, I cannot recommend it highly enough. The script, the sublime acting, the stark snapshots of desperation, Days Of Wine and Roses is just BRILLIANT.

Gutterbox Rating

Broads Beneath the Light

Sizzle sizzle!

Inbetween checking out cult movies (and the plain old bad of course), Gutterbox will be tipping its glass to some of the sexiest women that have appeared in movies of 'ye olde'. But rather than follow the oft trodden path of the Winona Ryders and Molly Ringwolds, this site will feature the lesser known beauties. Like the gorgeous Joy Boushel (above) for instance.
When I first saw her being picked up in a bar by a rubbery looking Jeff Goldblum in The Fly (1986), I was smitten. Lust at first sight, and way way hotter than Geena Davis. Look at that photo up there. Look how seductive she looks, with drag-me-to-bed eyes and legs akimbo just waiting for your face to kiss the sunset that is her toned, sweaty stomach. Joy Boushel in this film is pure sex kitten.
Sadly she didnt hang around the acting lark for long and after roles in Look Who's Talking, Humongous (below) and Terror Train (among a few others) she went off radar for good.


Joy indeed!

Killjoy 2

Killjoy? He really is

So here we have Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002), another movie (directed by Tammi Sutton) that I found for £1 in a discount store. Now as regualr readers of the Gutterbox will know, I have a 'Quid Club' which is just what it says on the tin: films I have spotted in shops that have only cost £1. But price alone doesn't automatically qualify movies for the 'Quid Club'. Oh no, they have to be entertaining too. They don't have to be necessarily good, these titles are allowed to be bad just as long as they are worth watching at least twice. You know, flicks so bad they're good type.
So does Killjoy 2 make the cut? Only if you can justify spending £1 just to see the funniest looking horror baddie this side of a LSD trip in a Nickolodeon nightnmare. Oh Killjoy! For a demon summoned up by black magic, this guy looks about as menacing as Dora the Explorer. Sporting a ludicrous wig, a red nose that looks more like a cold sore and daft oversized shoes (I know its a clown but still), if Killjoy were to suddenly appear before me on a walk home from the pub, im afraid Id be emptying my bladder on the spot. And it would have nothing to do with the beer. Just PMSL. Michael Myers he is NOT. He's more like Michael Moore but less threatening.
The movie opens with two cops (one the token female, the other the token badass) taking a group of gangbangers to a run down building so that they can renovate it as part of their community service. Of course this being a cheap horror flick, they encounter engine trouble on a desolate highway out in the sticks and end up stranded in the woods. So the guys leave the women in the van (naturally) and head off to find help.


Scary? Or plain rubbish? You decide.

Do you think they find it? Not on yer popcorn! Instead they find a static carvan but one thug gets plugged by the crazed woman owner who in turn gets a shot of lead to the head from Mr Badass Cop. To protect and serve! Cop wanders off looking for a phone, while the two healthy criminals carry their bleeding comrade back to the women in the van. You would think with all that training the female police officer would now take charge but instead what does she do? She hands her gun over to one of the hoodlums and allows him to take control. Good thinking lady! He leads the gang to yet another deserted place and they are welcomed inside by a voodoo witch with large breasts. It is here the legend of Killjoy is revealed but of course its met with disbelieving snorts. That is until the psychotic clown appears before them at individual stages and rehabilitates the young offenders. Permanantly. The first murder is particularly bizarre/funny as Killjoy lobs his dentures at a woman hiding in an outside toilet and she proceeds to get bitten to death (although its never shown in grisly detail). Another slashes his face to ribbons under the demons dastardly spell but in the end clowny is defeated by the person who had seemed the weakest during the entire movie, when she she melts his funny face with what looks like plain water. Oh and Mr Badass Cop returns shortly before the credits roll with a big shotgun as if to prove his bad assery. Why we never really discover only that he's useless with shotguns.
Killjoy 2 suffers from a few things but what hurts it most is the fact that A) the acting is God awful, and B) it feels like its been stitched together like its a series of sketches filmed by students after a night on the beer. And it oozes cheap. If the makers spent more than $100 making this they were fools to themselves. The 'star' of the show, Killjoy is a laughable character with no menace whatsoever and what makes it more pathetic is whoever played him probably genuinely felt he was creating a cinematic monster as evil as Jason Voorhees. Laughs Out Loud. Terrible film and so the Gutterbox Quid Club will have to wait for another cool member to join its gang. By the way I have never seen Killjoy 1 so there is mercy.


Gutterbox rating

Piranha

You never know when the nibbles may strike

Jaws only smaller, Piranha (1978) is a B movie that was directed by Joe Dante and like you have probably guessed, is about pesky carnivorous fish. (This film did for piranha what big J did for great whites). It wasn't the first horror I ever saw but its certainly one of the first five. And you know what? I like it! It has nice gory touches and has that 'small town Americana charm' like other old movies ive mentioned elsewhere on the Gutterbox. Its been remade twice, one in 1995 and more recently in 2010 in 3D and I must check them out sometime, though I highly doubt they are as good as the original.** Anyway, back to 1978.
Piranha starts with two teenagers skinny dipping in a deserted (they think) swimming pool, little knowing that the previous inhabitants of the pool were fish that love flesh. And the Army had been messing around with the piranha (they can't leave anything alone in B movies) with Operation Razortooth, making this fish even more ravenous. Uh oh. Notch up two dead teens and an insurance investigator named Maggie on the case to find out how they perished. (Bit of advice Mags, teens always die in horror films). She teams up with boozer Grogan and they end up draining the pool, letting loose hundreds of hungry piranha into the rivers. Oops! Enter a yelling Doctor Hoak who informs them of the mega boob they've just made. (The doc was in charge of the military operation).


He's feeling peckish

So off they go, saving children in summer camp and bugging the military to get the river system closed down which seems only fair as its their fault in the first place. A few scenes stand out for me: the part where Grogan drags his fishing chum from the rivers edge and we see his legs chewed down to the bone and the raft ride where pirahna attack and nibble on the ropes holding it together. Minor scenes in the great scheme of film granted but they stuck in my head all the same.
Piranha ends with a news repoter telling her viewers that theres nothing to fear because the waters have been cleared of hungry fish with sharp teeth but as she utters the words, we hear the ominous sound of the finny fiends making their way to the ocean. Presumably to keep Jaws company.

Check out the original trailer below


You can probably pick this movie up for pennies these days and Gutterbox recommends you do because while not being a classic in the usual sense of the word, it is a little gem to chill out with a few drinks. Also look out for the little creature dude at the beginning who peeps out from behind a few jars on a shelf in the army compound. I want one of those for a pet! Although he/she looks more like something from Star Wars than a horror flick.
Bit of trivia: Dr Hoak is played by Kevin McCarthy who appeared in over 200 films/television but will be remembered best for 1956's Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Gutterbox rating


** I watched Pirahna 3D last night and can confirm that it is garbage. Yes it has an abundance of near naked hotties and gyrating asses (by the way Kelly Brook is not as pretty in motion as she is in photographs) but even that cannot save this turgid mess of a film. Flush immediately down toilet.


Jawsome? No it really isn't.

They Live

Indeed they do. Near Swansea

Another big favourite of the Gutterbox, They Live (1988) was directed by John Carpenter and is a mix of horror and science fiction with a hefty dollop of dark humour thrown in. This movie is a classic and needs your attention like yesterday. Obey.
Okay let me fill your wine glass and give you the intel. John Nada (Roddy Piper) is drifting through America looking for work but he finds more than a job on his travels when he chances upon a box of....wait for it...sunglasses! But these are not your usual Gucci goggles, oh no. These glasses allow the wearer to not just look cool but see aliens (who look human without them) and read subliminal messages on billboards and newspapers, where the naked eye sees only adverts and news. Gulp! Those pesky space hopping fiends have duped us again. Will they ever stop? Well they'll have a fight on their hands because Nada likes to "chew bubblegum and kick ass." And he's famously all out of gum.
The film is basically a comment on money, greed and consumerism with humans willing to become aliens in exchange for big job promotions and lots of loot. Kinda like a galatic pact with the devil. Nada and his buddy Frank (Keith David) want none of it however and are disgusted with how easily folk sell out their own kind. (By the way the fight the pair have in an alley at the beginning is one of the best movie scraps EVER. You can almost feel the pain.)


Consume

With the police gunning for them (literally), John & Frank end up in an underground base (complete with cool airport type teleports) and its here they see the big picture. E.T. is using us! Cue more guns, clever watches and a double cross by sultry eyed alien collaborator Meg Foster who kills big Frank. Nada almost gets offed too but wins Meg's heart with a sneaky bullet fired into it. Romantic guy! He then destroys a broadcasting antenna disguised as a satellite dish that is holding us humans under a cosmic spell and the games up for the skull faced critters. Its also the end for our Johnny when he is plugged by a baddie in a whirlybird. Boo! *flips bird to alien*
But now the American public can see the truth and it all ends in whoops and cheers. And some poor sap discovering he is actually doinking a female alien.
They Live is super fun and were this site going to hand out gold stars, it would award this movie a bag filled to the brim of the shiny f**kers. Such is the delicious taste of its retro sauce, I could probably watch it on loop. There is a definate creepy vibe throughout courtesy of both hidden messages and those big shiny eyes of the skulled ones which if were real would read your every thought leaving you helpless. Thats what I get from them anyway and it never fails to send a shiver down my spine.
Then of course theres Nada's cheesy one liners not to mention the fact that it stars the great George 'Buck' Flower, who seemed to be in every single film made in the 1980s. He has one of those faces you instantly recognise but are not sure where from. Sadly the actor died in 2004. RIP Buck!
So a huge thumbs up from the Gutterbox then, and if you haven't seen this movie yet (and a lot haven't) head on over to Netflix and right your wrong. You'll thank me later over beers.

Gutterbox rating

Part Of The Collection

Quick peek at some of the classic 70/80s movies in the Gutterbox vaults.

Dinoshark

That drink was needed

So where do I begin with Dinoshark? I bought it a while ago but only last night had the heart to put it the player. (Blame the 'shandies'). I believe the film is regularly shown on the Syfy channel and to be quite honest they're welcome to it. Director Kevin O'Niell must have had better days. The only star of the show was Puerto Vallarta which positivelty glowed from the screen as I sat in muggy old Carmarthen with an envious look on my chops.
The movie starts with Dinoshark jr starting life in the nippy Arctic waters but fastfowrward a few years and the toothy critter seems to have got fed up being cold (I know how he feels) and relocated to Mexico where no doubt human flesh is tastier owing to Tequila.
Good guy Trace gets miffed when Dinoshark eats one of his friends and so begins a game of hunt the big fish and kill it dead. This is basically it. We don't even get a decent explanation of how the creature came to be. (Or if there was my brain seems to have stalled during it).
I like a bad film when its 'good' bad but I found nothing entertaining to this at all. Even the bikini clad babes were nothing special. Quick thought: why are the men and women in these cheap movies hot but not quite? They look like Christie Brinkley knock offs.

Check out this Gutterboxc clip for a taste of Dinoshark.


Do you see now the problem with Dinoshark? Its moments like the one in the above clip that make it such a big LOL. Also this monster is supposed to be the cross between a shark and dinosaur right? It should be a full force swimming machine capable of dealing with anything on the water with ease. Wrong! Dinoshark can't even crush a small sailing boat. I mean WHUT? Even Jaws managed to wreck boats and he wasn't half dinosaur.
A few other critcs have actually enjoyed this movie but they must have had some good acid or something because even after 9 pints of cider I saw nothing interesting happen in Dinoshark and when you consider the awesomness of such a beast its a very poor shout out.
And how is this hungry varmint killed in the end? A stab to it eye from a boat rocking about like a rodeo horse. That Trace is one helluva shot I will give him that. What I can't do is recommend Dinoshark. Stuck for something to watch? You DO have a better movie than this one in your collection. Skip this.


Gutterbox rating

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

In space nobody can eat ice cream

Killer Klowns From Outer Space is one of my favourite comedy horror movies of all time so I make no apology for slobbering praise all over it like a teenage lad and his first snog. I bloody well love this film, down to its oversized clown shoes. So there.
It was made in 1988 by the Chiodo brothers and has alien posing as clowns (complete with cool spaceship disguised as a circus tent) landing on earth to bring us their unique form of mayhem. Like stuffing folk into giant candyfloss cocoons, jabbing a straw in and drinking their blood. Eek!
Killer Klowns possesses a certain dark 'charm', also for a boy who wasn't a big clown fan in the first place, it just seemed to make it official ~ clowns are evil. Run from them!
Anyway after they arrive in a small town, the fun begins. Grisly fun including a biker getting his head punched clean off his shoulders by a 'baby' clown and another one turning his shadow puppet into a T-Rex, and having it eat a group of people waiting for a bus. I heart that scene.
They then kidnap (clown~nap?) the gorgeous Suzanne Snyder (my 80's babe crush) and whisk her off to the circus ship and encase her in a giant bubble. Poor Suzy!


My Klown figurine

Its then down to her boyfriend and her policeman ex (awkward) plus two ice cream sellers to track her down and save the world from clowny madness by getting into the circus tent space ship and battling a bad assed giant clown. Its not too difficult though because what with the smaller clowns thinking the ice cream van to be some kind of clown deity (think Popemobile), and one bop on daddy clowns red conk sending him into a thousand pieces and its job done.

Gutterbox rating