Machete Thrills...and Kills

Readers of my blogs will know that the original Machete blew my cotton Jagermeister socks (yes really) clean off. It was a violent, stylish and sexy romp, filled a good dosage of dark humour, something The Expendables should have been, a perfect homage to the action movies of the 1980s (which I am a huge fan of). In short, Machete, much like the guy who plays him, was/is ACE. Its up there with Cobra and Robocop (in my opinion) and all of the other gritty, gallows humour type shit and having just this minute finished watching Machete Kills I can happily report it is more of the same.
Oh f**king yes! Machete kills and kills and kills....then kills again, without mercy, without pretense at being a nice guy (yes he's a good guy but one who shuns dainty handshakes because he's Machete motherf**ka). If you are looking for a movie which takes outrageous weapons and action sequences to create a gore filled circus of death? Take Machete home tonight (but put away the Twitter because Machete don't Tweet).
Charlie Sheen is hilarious as the President ("I'm the f**king President of the United f**king States!") who tasks the badass Mexican to track down an arms dealer who is after launching a weapon into space. Mel Gibson is Daddy Baddie (my title not the films) this time around and wanna know something? He does a ruddy decent job of it too! Granted Steven Seagal had more menace in the original but Gibson's character, Voz, has a cooler, Bond type villain thing going on and even though I am not a fan of 007, something 'flicked my switch' here.
Speaking of Bond, Machete Kills has its fair share of beautiful women (I do NOT include Lady GaGa obviously) and director Robert Rodriguez is inspired in having them show off their delicious curves via strap-on groin pistols and armoured corsets that fire machine guns (a shout back to Planet Terrors machine gun legs). Hooker assassin babes, that is what we have here folks. Ace. Of course none of them hold a candle to sultry uber-babe Michelle Rodriguez, who even when rocking an eye patch manages to look f**k hot.
Machete Kills is great fun and easily a triumph in my eyes. It doesn't do anything different from Machete, like I said its purely more of the same but that's the point; Machete KILLS. Here we have a crazy, louder than hell action hero, offing an assortment of equally louder than hell, batshit mad villains. The movie isn't attempting a stab (no pun intended) at serious cinema, go watch Life Of Pi if you want that. Machete is what it is, a fist pumpin' joyride through over-the-top mayhem and one liners that can, if you let it, sweep you back to times of Commando and American Ninja.
And as for that finale? Machete 3 (come on, we all know it'll happen!) looks like it will take organ yanking to a whole new level. Quite literally!

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Retro Evening

Im 41 today, and now that birthdays are coming sooner because with age the years get shorter, I thought it good to watch the movies that were released when I was 14, my age today with the kindest number first. Years seemed longer back then, much much longer.

American Ninja

The American ninja: fear him

American Ninja (1985) is one of my favourite action movies of the 1980s, and was one of the first to introduce me to the shady world of ninja. (From then on, no tree was safe from my attempts to climb it ninja style).
It was directed by Sam Firstenberg, and starred Michael Dudikoff and Steve James, who played an awesome side-kick to Dudikoff's ninja. (It was very sad when I learned only a few years ago on the internet that Steve died in 1993 from an unknown cancer, aged only 41.)
The story is simple: Joe (Ninja dude) enlists as a soldier and gets sent to an American army base in the Philippines after being given the choice of this or prison. Also on the island is 'buisnessman' Victor Ortega who is stealing arms from the Army base and flogging them to the highest bidder. On one of these weapons hijacks it all goes boobs up and Joe has to rescue the Colonel's daughter. When he does this he is put on Ortegas 'wanted dead' list and assigns a Black Star Ninja to the job. (As well as nicking weapons, Vic also has a secret ninja academy. Cool!)
Needless to say the villains are no match for the American Ninja, who despatches his opponents as only a ninja can. Even the Black Star master gets offed without too much trouble.
One of the cool things about American Ninja is the partnership between the Dudikoff and James characters. They begin the film with the latter accusing private Joe of cowardice and challenging him to a scrap. Without laying a finger on his opponent, silent Joe prompty puts him in his place. From then on they become best buddies and are a double act to be reckoned with. (Good news is they team up again for American Ninja 2).
I know a few other sites have panned this film but I think took it too seriously, because for what it is, American Ninja is good fun and definately one to watch with a few mates around sharing beers. Ninjas + alcohol = win!
And hows this for a movie tagline ~
The deadliest art of the Orient is now in the hands of an American.
Brilliant!

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