Evil Dead 2013

Im with you Ash.

Just watched the Evil Dead remake (2013) directed by Fede Alvarez and oh woes, just as I expected it was nothing to write home about (or even bother going to buy a stamp.) Even watching for free I felt cheated, so seriously, do not get excited about slapping that £5 Morrisons DVD into the player. The original has not been bested, not by a long shot. And I was one of those pumped at the time by those excellent trailers. In the words of the interwebs; I iz disappoint.
So what was different? Well this time the five chums head out to the famous spooky, remote cabin to help a friend withdraw from drugs (and admittedly I liked this idea) but besides that nothing changes. At all. The dopes (pun intended) discover the awesomely titled "Book Of The Dead", end up summoning mad demons from a properly f**ked up universe and its evil spirit possession a-go-go! The fight for survival is on baby!
Now don't get me wrong, it IS a gore filled jamboree, that I will grant thee, any vampire watching will be in raptures over the lashings of human claret spilled but other than that (and to be fair, some aren't looking for more) this remake isn't a patch on the original. In fact the full on turbo gore gets a tad tedious by the end because its used so much. "Oh, theres another severed limb scene? Ho hum, pass the cider." By the finale all those falling guts and innards only serve to make the viewer feel bloated and fed up, and you can forget any hopes of getting freaked out like you were in the original (and you were admit it), it just ain't happening in the 2013 version. By the end, the more the chainsaw screams, the more I was belching out the yawnage. "More blood sir?" "No thanks Jeeves, pass the Watership Down."
Oh and the female 'Ash'? Weak man, no more a boomstick than a tickling stick.

Gutterbox rating

Cabin In The Woods

The Gutterbox doesn't usually cover mainstream movies but after watching "Cabin In The Woods" recently and being a tad impressed by it, it deserves a quick mention. This is a chunky funky film which reminded me of "Evil Dead" dropped into the grinder with a touch of "Saw" and a smidgen of "Fear No Evil". To be honest I wasn't expecting much but quickly got into it. There are not many modern horror flicks worth a second glance, afterall its all been done before, how many new bloody deaths can one dream up without repeating oneself? Also directors are dealing with a largely desensitised audience, it can't be easy revving those eager, bloodthirsty pulses.

Sharktopus

Mexico beware

Eric Roberts has had better gigs I can assure you. And yes, that even includes DOA: Dead or Alive. Poor guy must have had an unexpected elecricity bill to pay or something because its the only reason I can think why anyone would willingly be involved in Sharktopus. Hey theres no shame, we've all had to do it at some point (okay perhaps not feature in rubbish B-movies but you know what I mean.) GutterBox had high hopes for this movie too, its a sucker for 'creature features' but alas there is little of either here. Turn back folks! It is disappoint.
So what gives? The good ol' U.S. Navy goes hunting for a new weapon and when a group ('Blue Water') create a half-octopus, half-shark beast, the Navy decides this nightmarish hybrid would be perfect. Submarines? They are SOOO 1980's. Far better (certainly cooler) to have the love-child of Jaws and the Kraken on the team and unleash THAT onto the enemy. S-11 (codename) is the pet of a mad professor from a videogame and its got to be said he (or she) does look pretty neat. I mean you wouldn't want one swimming off the Pembrokeshire Coast or anything but S-11 is definately the stuff of horror films. Shame this one makes him look rubbish.
Basically Sharktopus is a t!t parade with a rubber shark monstrosity poking its head in and out of cleavage every so often.
You can guess what happens right? Yup, Sharktopus escapes and is soon snacking on a smörgåsbord of beach worshippers. MMmm! Lovely! Pass the sauce tartare. And suddenly its up to a reporter, her cameraman (nice tatts by the way) and a mercenary to slay the beast. Seems the U.S. Navy are kinda woosie when it comes to clearing up their own mess.


Jaws gets owned

Gutterbox rating

One Eyed Monster

Blows a load

"The most outrageous horror story in the world...Or out of it!" Announces the blurb on the back of the DVD case like a circus ringmaster on amphetamine, and Gutterbox cant help but agree. One Eyed Monster is definately outrageous but sometimes that means falling on the wrong side of good or bad. Afterall, anyone can be outrageous, all it takes is enough Jagerbombs.
I don't know what I was expecting from a film where the monster is an alien homocidal maniac dick but boy this is straight from the walk of shame. Sound odd? Its madness, hich would be fine if it was any good but it isn't. What this film is is terrible, even worse than Ozombie. The only good thing about One Eyed Monster is the fact that it stars two porno legends in Ron Jeremy and the ever beautiful Veronics Hart.
So what goes on? The cast and crew of a pornographic film head off up a snowy mountain to film some fruity scenes for a forthcoming skin flick but all goes to sh!t when Ron J goes off for a pee and a weird light hits him and his prized member gets possessed by an alien force, killing Ron and going after the rest of the cast. Thats right, the One Eyed Monster here is a penis, though what Ronnie has been feeding it on I shudder to think. Laughs Out Loud.
Ut sounds like a real hoot, perfect so-bad-its-good material but unfortunately the dick might be hungry but its a limp mess. You hardly ever see any deaths and even when you do see a guy get split in two, its not the messy end you could expect from better horror film directors. The gore count is a flaccid ZERO despite it being rated over 18 and as splatter movies go its rather like eating chocolate with the wrapper on. One Eyed Monster could easily be rated 15.
The only funny line I got from it was "Ive got an axe to Bobbit you back to space." Which did make me chuckle but besides that this has nothing going for it. (And lets not forget, im a huge fan of Veronica Hart and her other movies *ahem*) I only paid £1 for One Eyed Monster but I still feel cheated. Avoid like an STD.

Gutterbox rating

Zombie Attack

Museum Of Zombies?

See where it says Zombie Attack on the dvd cover? Well it ignore it because according to the menu screen this movie is called Museum Of The Dead. And before you think ive drunkenly mixed up my films, no siree! It has the words Zombie Attack slapped on the disc in sickly yellow. Splendid! Before we even begin, we don't know what the actual movie is called. How about we jumble it up a little: Zombie Attacks In The Museum Of The Dead? Dead Museums Attacks Zombies? To be honest you could call it Zombie Does Dallas, it makes no difference because the pulse to this movie has truly left the building. Or museum.
So what gives? American students decide to spend Halloween in a museum that is exhibiting skulls and ancient relics. Oh and its haunted by psychotic, painted warriors in grass skirts and 'zombies' with torches for eyeballs. Where they came from, or why they are prowling around a Californian museum (I assume its Cali) we are never really told, only that some bad guy called "Boli" decided it would be sorta fun.
Seriously this is one of those movies that feels like it was knocked up as the cameras rolled. No story or script, just make shit up as we go along! "I know! Lets have two idiot women wander around a maze-like museum and have them act really stinky when something nasty pops up!" Yup, its exactly as if the director thought this.
Now usually in movies this awful there are funny scenes (albeit unintentional) but Zombie WhateverItsCalled has none which was disappointing because I needed something to keep me watching. (Why do you think those pints of cider always appear in the photographs? Those aren't props man, they're medicinal.)


Don't look into its eyes!
It has the stare of 1000 Miseries.

To cut a long story (what story?) short, Zombie Attack is a f**king shambles of a horror movie, (or any type of damned movie) and ive watched gentle, summer clouds pass over with more sense of panic than this painful abomination. Think of the time you made your first catapult as a youngster. There you stood, clutching a new weapon, feeling all badass and plotting the first rabbit kill on a hunt. You were going to lay waste to all but all you ever hit were empty baked bean tins. This is what this movie must have been like for its makers. An abysmal failure.

Gutterbox rating

EvilBreed: Legend of Samhain

Breasts roam these woods

There ought to be warnings on certain movies: "Caution this film contains porn actors, as a result this dvd has a strong probability of being garbage". Then again when delving into the bargain bin of a cheapo shop , one mustn't expect Citizen Kane. Or even Citizen Wolfy (fans of 70s British television will understand.)
Now lets be clear here, Gutterbox is not saying porno stars in films are a bad thing. Oh no quite the contrary, watching the gorgeous Ginger Lynn Allen adopt an 'Irish' accent and call herself Pandora is a good thing in a pervy kinda way and gets a thumbs up from this site. And having Jenna Jameson's famous tittyfallays plastered over the dvd cover is a welcome sight indeed. They are a thing of beauty indeed! The pair of 'em.
Its just that....well acting is not their strong point. (Although I could argue that horror movies are not 'serious cinema' and therefore porno actors suit the genre perfectly but anyway *shrugs*)
EvilBreed sets out its cheapo stall early on with a coastal flyover that is the opening credits. Come on director chappy! This was nicked off an old British tourism advert right? I half expected Leonard Rossiter to walk into shot carrying a bottle of Martini. Its possibly one of the most weird starts to a horror film ever, and ruins any creepy vibe that should be there in its place. But I should have known, especially when just a few screens later we witness a woman in obvious distress being swallowed alive by what appears to be quicksand, and her 'boinking pardner' asking, "Amy, are you okay?" Erm...drowning in quicksand is fun?
Possibly more fun than this movie.

Fer Crissakes stick to the path!




Best enema EVER

EvilBreed sort of admits its rubbish when one of the students comments that all bad slasher movies star sex hungry teenagers and virgin heroes but I got the feeling it was being serious. "Yes we know other films are bad but we are aware of how bad thus making us cool". Thats the vibe I got from it. And it IS bad folks, trust me when a dvd is paused as much as this just to grab daft photographs to post on Twitter then the director has f**ked up. Yup its boring.
There was one hilarious bit though. When Jenna Jameson's character gets nabbed by the monster who after gutting her, reaches under her breast bone and yanks out a bag of silicone which he tries to eat. The WTF look on his mug is priceless and if he was a descendant creature of Sawney Beane (an old Scottish cannibal) then he must have wondered what humans had done to themselves in 500 years.
So anywhoo a quick synopsis: troubled teens go to Ireland with well meaning adult. Troubled teens ignore local traditions/folklore and get murdered in suitable grisly fashion by man in a costume made up of teeth and boils. The End. Its pretty much textbook horror by numbers and the only thing missing is a killer with a stoopid name and even stoopider costume (see my Killjoy review elsewhere on this site.)
I was really hoping for another addition to the Gutterbox Quid Club with EvilBreed because its been a while since we had a decent cheesy slasher-fest to put on the shelf, but alas where it qualified on the fact it only cost £1 from Poundland, it utterly FAILED on the So-Bad-Its-Great side of things. Would I recommend it? Only if you are Jenna Jameson or Ginger Lynn Allen's number one fans and had to buy ALL of their movies.

Gutterbox rating

American Ninja

The American ninja: fear him

American Ninja (1985) is one of my favourite action movies of the 1980s, and was one of the first to introduce me to the shady world of ninja. (From then on, no tree was safe from my attempts to climb it ninja style).
It was directed by Sam Firstenberg, and starred Michael Dudikoff and Steve James, who played an awesome side-kick to Dudikoff's ninja. (It was very sad when I learned only a few years ago on the internet that Steve died in 1993 from an unknown cancer, aged only 41.)
The story is simple: Joe (Ninja dude) enlists as a soldier and gets sent to an American army base in the Philippines after being given the choice of this or prison. Also on the island is 'buisnessman' Victor Ortega who is stealing arms from the Army base and flogging them to the highest bidder. On one of these weapons hijacks it all goes boobs up and Joe has to rescue the Colonel's daughter. When he does this he is put on Ortegas 'wanted dead' list and assigns a Black Star Ninja to the job. (As well as nicking weapons, Vic also has a secret ninja academy. Cool!)
Needless to say the villains are no match for the American Ninja, who despatches his opponents as only a ninja can. Even the Black Star master gets offed without too much trouble.
One of the cool things about American Ninja is the partnership between the Dudikoff and James characters. They begin the film with the latter accusing private Joe of cowardice and challenging him to a scrap. Without laying a finger on his opponent, silent Joe prompty puts him in his place. From then on they become best buddies and are a double act to be reckoned with. (Good news is they team up again for American Ninja 2).
I know a few other sites have panned this film but I think took it too seriously, because for what it is, American Ninja is good fun and definately one to watch with a few mates around sharing beers. Ninjas + alcohol = win!
And hows this for a movie tagline ~
The deadliest art of the Orient is now in the hands of an American.
Brilliant!

Gutterbox Rating

El Chupacabra

Fear it. Really

El Chupacabra is one from the Hard Gore stable of films, and if this is 'gore' they must be reading a different dictionary to me. So where to begin with a movie thats dvd cover art is the best thing about it? Well actualy it starts with the cover because just above the title are the words "Starring Treach" as if announcing some major Hollywood A lister. Erm...excuse me? Treach? Who the frig is he/she?
The story is simple ~ an animal control officer and a scientist (dressed like a lap dancer complete with short skirt) are hunting the infamous chupacabra which has been bred by two guys for God only knows what reason and has escaped. (How hard is it to keep an overgrown gerbil locked up?) Suprisingly there is no sinister corporation behind them like there usually is in these films. Also on the trail are two 'bad ass' cops who aren't really bad ass in the slightest.
The film looks cheaper than a fake Christmas tree, something stoned students might film and the chupacabra looks like one of those 1980's toys, Boglins. The 'actors' would be better cast in adverts and even then I wouldn't buy the product they were selling. I don't think ive ever looked at my watch more during this fetid pile of garbage.
There were some LOLs however. The animal control officers van had 'Animal Regulation' stencilled on the side and was obviously pasted on by a three year old, and one of the corpses was still breathing as the idiot cops mulled over his body. How bad is a film when even the actors can't be bothered to hold their breath?
In another scene the chuccy is chasing the animal control dude and he gives it the slip by hiding in a car boot/trunk. This after we are told by the 'scientist' that the chupacabra has 'well developed and great senses'. Yeah right, whatever. And don't get me started on the guy who gets shot in the legs and carries on running away!?
This is a bad bad movie and makes me wonder if it might be the reason the chupacabra is so elusive. Afterall if somebody released a film this atrocious about me, id be in hiding too. AVOID!

Gutterbox Rating