Breasts roam these woods
There ought to be warnings on certain movies: "Caution this film contains porn actors, as a result this dvd has a strong probability of being garbage". Then again when delving into the bargain bin of a cheapo shop , one mustn't expect Citizen Kane. Or even Citizen Wolfy (fans of 70s British television will understand.)
Now lets be clear here, Gutterbox is not saying porno stars in films are a bad thing. Oh no quite the contrary, watching the gorgeous Ginger Lynn Allen adopt an 'Irish' accent and call herself Pandora is a good thing in a pervy kinda way and gets a thumbs up from this site. And having Jenna Jameson's famous tittyfallays plastered over the dvd cover is a welcome sight indeed. They are a thing of beauty indeed! The pair of 'em.
Its just that....well acting is not their strong point. (Although I could argue that horror movies are not 'serious cinema' and therefore porno actors suit the genre perfectly but anyway *shrugs*)
EvilBreed sets out its cheapo stall early on with a coastal flyover that is the opening credits. Come on director chappy! This was nicked off an old British tourism advert right? I half expected Leonard Rossiter to walk into shot carrying a bottle of Martini. Its possibly one of the most weird starts to a horror film ever, and ruins any creepy vibe that should be there in its place. But I should have known, especially when just a few screens later we witness a woman in obvious distress being swallowed alive by what appears to be quicksand, and her 'boinking pardner' asking, "Amy, are you okay?" Erm...drowning in quicksand is fun?
Possibly more fun than this movie.
Fer Crissakes stick to the path!
Best enema EVER
EvilBreed sort of admits its rubbish when one of the students comments that all bad slasher movies star sex hungry teenagers and virgin heroes but I got the feeling it was being serious. "Yes we know other films are bad but we are aware of how bad thus making us cool". Thats the vibe I got from it. And it IS bad folks, trust me when a dvd is paused as much as this just to grab daft photographs to post on Twitter then the director has f**ked up. Yup its boring.
There was one hilarious bit though. When Jenna Jameson's character gets nabbed by the monster who after gutting her, reaches under her breast bone and yanks out a bag of silicone which he tries to eat. The WTF look on his mug is priceless and if he was a descendant creature of Sawney Beane (an old Scottish cannibal) then he must have wondered what humans had done to themselves in 500 years.
So anywhoo a quick synopsis: troubled teens go to Ireland with well meaning adult. Troubled teens ignore local traditions/folklore and get murdered in suitable grisly fashion by man in a costume made up of teeth and boils. The End. Its pretty much textbook horror by numbers and the only thing missing is a killer with a stoopid name and even stoopider costume (see my Killjoy review elsewhere on this site.)
I was really hoping for another addition to the Gutterbox Quid Club with EvilBreed because its been a while since we had a decent cheesy slasher-fest to put on the shelf, but alas where it qualified on the fact it only cost £1 from Poundland, it utterly FAILED on the So-Bad-Its-Great side of things. Would I recommend it? Only if you are Jenna Jameson or Ginger Lynn Allen's number one fans and had to buy ALL of their movies.
Gutterbox rating
