One Eyed Monster

Blows a load

"The most outrageous horror story in the world...Or out of it!" Announces the blurb on the back of the DVD case like a circus ringmaster on amphetamine, and Gutterbox cant help but agree. One Eyed Monster is definately outrageous but sometimes that means falling on the wrong side of good or bad. Afterall, anyone can be outrageous, all it takes is enough Jagerbombs.
I don't know what I was expecting from a film where the monster is an alien homocidal maniac dick but boy this is straight from the walk of shame. Sound odd? Its madness, hich would be fine if it was any good but it isn't. What this film is is terrible, even worse than Ozombie. The only good thing about One Eyed Monster is the fact that it stars two porno legends in Ron Jeremy and the ever beautiful Veronics Hart.
So what goes on? The cast and crew of a pornographic film head off up a snowy mountain to film some fruity scenes for a forthcoming skin flick but all goes to sh!t when Ron J goes off for a pee and a weird light hits him and his prized member gets possessed by an alien force, killing Ron and going after the rest of the cast. Thats right, the One Eyed Monster here is a penis, though what Ronnie has been feeding it on I shudder to think. Laughs Out Loud.
Ut sounds like a real hoot, perfect so-bad-its-good material but unfortunately the dick might be hungry but its a limp mess. You hardly ever see any deaths and even when you do see a guy get split in two, its not the messy end you could expect from better horror film directors. The gore count is a flaccid ZERO despite it being rated over 18 and as splatter movies go its rather like eating chocolate with the wrapper on. One Eyed Monster could easily be rated 15.
The only funny line I got from it was "Ive got an axe to Bobbit you back to space." Which did make me chuckle but besides that this has nothing going for it. (And lets not forget, im a huge fan of Veronica Hart and her other movies *ahem*) I only paid £1 for One Eyed Monster but I still feel cheated. Avoid like an STD.

Gutterbox rating

Broads Beneath the Light II

Retro Princess: Suzanne Snyder

I ♥ the 80's. The videogames, movies, metal music. It felt like we were at the dawn of a new age, and of course we were, just think about all the classic stuff this decade gave us. Pac Man, Rambo and Metallica all belong in this era, along with a treasure trove of other cool stuff.
The eighties also brought the beautiful Suzanne Snyder (above) to the silver screen, most famously in Weird Science (1985) and the totally cool B movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988). My heart reached a few new gears, when my teenage eyeballs saw her play the two Debs in those two films.
Ms Snyder is the entire package for me. A typical American Beauty, Miss Heartbreak '85. She hits all the right notes and could make chalk on a blackboard sound good. Cute, pretty, sweet, gorgeous; the leading light in a cave of otherwise horse faced Sarah Jessica Parker lookalikes. (Or should that be stable?)
Gutterbox f**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder. If I still owned a pencil case I would stencil "Gutterbox F**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder" all over it. Funnily enough those two movies are the only things I have ever seen her in. I know she has appeared in other films and shows but ive missed them. Perhaps its better this way because time might not have been kind to her. But I can't imagine that, not when I gaze into the photo above like a frothy schoolkid home alone with his first smutty magazine.

Zombie Attack

Museum Of Zombies?

See where it says Zombie Attack on the dvd cover? Well it ignore it because according to the menu screen this movie is called Museum Of The Dead. And before you think ive drunkenly mixed up my films, no siree! It has the words Zombie Attack slapped on the disc in sickly yellow. Splendid! Before we even begin, we don't know what the actual movie is called. How about we jumble it up a little: Zombie Attacks In The Museum Of The Dead? Dead Museums Attacks Zombies? To be honest you could call it Zombie Does Dallas, it makes no difference because the pulse to this movie has truly left the building. Or museum.
So what gives? American students decide to spend Halloween in a museum that is exhibiting skulls and ancient relics. Oh and its haunted by psychotic, painted warriors in grass skirts and 'zombies' with torches for eyeballs. Where they came from, or why they are prowling around a Californian museum (I assume its Cali) we are never really told, only that some bad guy called "Boli" decided it would be sorta fun.
Seriously this is one of those movies that feels like it was knocked up as the cameras rolled. No story or script, just make shit up as we go along! "I know! Lets have two idiot women wander around a maze-like museum and have them act really stinky when something nasty pops up!" Yup, its exactly as if the director thought this.
Now usually in movies this awful there are funny scenes (albeit unintentional) but Zombie WhateverItsCalled has none which was disappointing because I needed something to keep me watching. (Why do you think those pints of cider always appear in the photographs? Those aren't props man, they're medicinal.)


Don't look into its eyes!
It has the stare of 1000 Miseries.

To cut a long story (what story?) short, Zombie Attack is a f**king shambles of a horror movie, (or any type of damned movie) and ive watched gentle, summer clouds pass over with more sense of panic than this painful abomination. Think of the time you made your first catapult as a youngster. There you stood, clutching a new weapon, feeling all badass and plotting the first rabbit kill on a hunt. You were going to lay waste to all but all you ever hit were empty baked bean tins. This is what this movie must have been like for its makers. An abysmal failure.

Gutterbox rating