Evil Dead 2013

Im with you Ash.

Just watched the Evil Dead remake (2013) directed by Fede Alvarez and oh woes, just as I expected it was nothing to write home about (or even bother going to buy a stamp.) Even watching for free I felt cheated, so seriously, do not get excited about slapping that £5 Morrisons DVD into the player. The original has not been bested, not by a long shot. And I was one of those pumped at the time by those excellent trailers. In the words of the interwebs; I iz disappoint.
So what was different? Well this time the five chums head out to the famous spooky, remote cabin to help a friend withdraw from drugs (and admittedly I liked this idea) but besides that nothing changes. At all. The dopes (pun intended) discover the awesomely titled "Book Of The Dead", end up summoning mad demons from a properly f**ked up universe and its evil spirit possession a-go-go! The fight for survival is on baby!
Now don't get me wrong, it IS a gore filled jamboree, that I will grant thee, any vampire watching will be in raptures over the lashings of human claret spilled but other than that (and to be fair, some aren't looking for more) this remake isn't a patch on the original. In fact the full on turbo gore gets a tad tedious by the end because its used so much. "Oh, theres another severed limb scene? Ho hum, pass the cider." By the finale all those falling guts and innards only serve to make the viewer feel bloated and fed up, and you can forget any hopes of getting freaked out like you were in the original (and you were admit it), it just ain't happening in the 2013 version. By the end, the more the chainsaw screams, the more I was belching out the yawnage. "More blood sir?" "No thanks Jeeves, pass the Watership Down."
Oh and the female 'Ash'? Weak man, no more a boomstick than a tickling stick.

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Zombie Attack

Museum Of Zombies?

See where it says Zombie Attack on the dvd cover? Well it ignore it because according to the menu screen this movie is called Museum Of The Dead. And before you think ive drunkenly mixed up my films, no siree! It has the words Zombie Attack slapped on the disc in sickly yellow. Splendid! Before we even begin, we don't know what the actual movie is called. How about we jumble it up a little: Zombie Attacks In The Museum Of The Dead? Dead Museums Attacks Zombies? To be honest you could call it Zombie Does Dallas, it makes no difference because the pulse to this movie has truly left the building. Or museum.
So what gives? American students decide to spend Halloween in a museum that is exhibiting skulls and ancient relics. Oh and its haunted by psychotic, painted warriors in grass skirts and 'zombies' with torches for eyeballs. Where they came from, or why they are prowling around a Californian museum (I assume its Cali) we are never really told, only that some bad guy called "Boli" decided it would be sorta fun.
Seriously this is one of those movies that feels like it was knocked up as the cameras rolled. No story or script, just make shit up as we go along! "I know! Lets have two idiot women wander around a maze-like museum and have them act really stinky when something nasty pops up!" Yup, its exactly as if the director thought this.
Now usually in movies this awful there are funny scenes (albeit unintentional) but Zombie WhateverItsCalled has none which was disappointing because I needed something to keep me watching. (Why do you think those pints of cider always appear in the photographs? Those aren't props man, they're medicinal.)


Don't look into its eyes!
It has the stare of 1000 Miseries.

To cut a long story (what story?) short, Zombie Attack is a f**king shambles of a horror movie, (or any type of damned movie) and ive watched gentle, summer clouds pass over with more sense of panic than this painful abomination. Think of the time you made your first catapult as a youngster. There you stood, clutching a new weapon, feeling all badass and plotting the first rabbit kill on a hunt. You were going to lay waste to all but all you ever hit were empty baked bean tins. This is what this movie must have been like for its makers. An abysmal failure.

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The Return Of The Living Dead

The dead are not so dead

The Return of the Living Dead (1985) is a fun film. Zombies biting into skulls is fun? Believe me, it is in this! The movie was directed by Dan O'Bannon and it adds a dark, comedic blend to the well worn flesh eaters recipe. Other zombie flicks on the shelf focused on the gore and had a gloomy feel to them and I remember thinking The Return of the Living Dead was a refreshing change to the formula when I watched it in '85. Also due to having a punk/hard rock soundtrack featuring bands like The Damned and The Cramps, it ticked my music boxes too. (Metal fan for 30 years).
Story goes thus; two guys working at the Uneeda medical supply warehouse release a toxic gas from a steel drum that contained the body of an Army experiment gone horribly wrong. The hapless pair each get a faceful of gas (which eventually turns them zombie) and the stuff also gives a fresh cadaver in the warehouse a new lease of life. *Gulp*


Brainssss!

After chopping Mr Dead into pieces (and pinning his head to the floor with a pick~axe) chaos ensues when they ask a mortician for help and he burns the corpse in a crematoriam oven. Definately not a good idea as the vapours released into the air from the chimney mix with the rain and creates a downpour with a difference. (The difference between graveyards containing the peaceful dead, to ones that now sprout zombies like gothic dandelions).
Needless to say, the punk gang who are partying in the cemetery (remember the ghettoblaster?) get the suprise of their mohicans. Especially the emo/punk girl who has just completed a striptease on a tomb and waved her pert derriere across our screens. (My teenage self lived for these type of scenes). Its Punks vs Zombies! And while the Punks have the better music, the zombies want yer brains!
Without spilling all of its guts here, The Return of the Living Dead is a hoot of a film and ends with footage of 'zombified' scenes and a voicover declaring "the rains should wash everything away." No. It really won't. Most movies of this kind ended with a suggestion of further impending doom and I personally like it this way because it fits with how life really is; an ongoing struggle. We can win little battles and taste triumph but can never win the war.
In terms of cast, there are no early appearances from young Hollywood A listers to look out for like there are in some films (Johhny Depp in A Nightmare On Elm Street anyone?) but this sort of schlock~horror doesn't really need them as lets face it, the undead are the real stars here and well known faces will always be forgotten when sharing a scene with brain loving zombies. (See above pic). Most memorable actor for me is James Karen who plays soon-to-be-zombie Frank and his hilarious panicking over his 'future'. (Yeah fair enough, I would too).
To sum it up then, The Return of the Living Dead isn't my favourite zombie movie but it is certainly the funniest I know of and because of its excellent sountrack it gets an extra thumbs up from me. Or maybe that should be an extra devil horns? Cool stuffs indeed.

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