Nightmare In A Damaged Brain

Its a nightmare alright

Nightmare In A Damaged Brain (1981) was another movie I picked up for on my travels for just £1. It was directed by Romano Scavolini and while im not aware of his other work, I can say that this slab of horror was pretty dire. It was banned in Britain not long after release and a distributor who refused to edit a particularly grisly scene was thrown in jail for 18 months. Personally I would have left it banned because for all the blood it may have, its not really very good.
Quick synopsis then; George Tatum is mentally ill and plagued by terrible nightmares. He escapes from the psychiatric hospital and ends up wandering the streets. And seeing as he's pretty much a homocidal maniac, you'd want to be giving Georgie a wide berth indeed.
Tatum has been fed experimental drugs (aren't all drugs in these movies 'experimental'?) which seem to cure him of the violent hallucinations he suffers from. Alas these tablets stir up a psychopathic storm that engulfs him and so he begins murdering his way across the USA as he makes his way home to Florida to snuff out a family member.
Interesting to discover the film was made in 1981 because when I watched it a few weeks ago, I thought it looked like something that was knocked up in the early 1970s. Indeed it looked quite ropey in places and this is coming from someone who loves retro stuff!
Nightmare In A Damaged Brain (or Blood Splash as its known in some countries) might have a reputation for being one of the goriest slasher flicks ever committed to celuloid but quite frankly this means nothing when one of the words I could use to describe it is 'boring'. I relished seeing the end credits appear almost as much as I relish opening a fresh bottle of Jagermeister.
Anyone can make a film bloody, buckets of fake blood are not hard to get hold of afterall. Decent stories and scripts however are much harder to find and this film suffers because it lacks both. As I said, boring.

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The Return Of The Living Dead

The dead are not so dead

The Return of the Living Dead (1985) is a fun film. Zombies biting into skulls is fun? Believe me, it is in this! The movie was directed by Dan O'Bannon and it adds a dark, comedic blend to the well worn flesh eaters recipe. Other zombie flicks on the shelf focused on the gore and had a gloomy feel to them and I remember thinking The Return of the Living Dead was a refreshing change to the formula when I watched it in '85. Also due to having a punk/hard rock soundtrack featuring bands like The Damned and The Cramps, it ticked my music boxes too. (Metal fan for 30 years).
Story goes thus; two guys working at the Uneeda medical supply warehouse release a toxic gas from a steel drum that contained the body of an Army experiment gone horribly wrong. The hapless pair each get a faceful of gas (which eventually turns them zombie) and the stuff also gives a fresh cadaver in the warehouse a new lease of life. *Gulp*


Brainssss!

After chopping Mr Dead into pieces (and pinning his head to the floor with a pick~axe) chaos ensues when they ask a mortician for help and he burns the corpse in a crematoriam oven. Definately not a good idea as the vapours released into the air from the chimney mix with the rain and creates a downpour with a difference. (The difference between graveyards containing the peaceful dead, to ones that now sprout zombies like gothic dandelions).
Needless to say, the punk gang who are partying in the cemetery (remember the ghettoblaster?) get the suprise of their mohicans. Especially the emo/punk girl who has just completed a striptease on a tomb and waved her pert derriere across our screens. (My teenage self lived for these type of scenes). Its Punks vs Zombies! And while the Punks have the better music, the zombies want yer brains!
Without spilling all of its guts here, The Return of the Living Dead is a hoot of a film and ends with footage of 'zombified' scenes and a voicover declaring "the rains should wash everything away." No. It really won't. Most movies of this kind ended with a suggestion of further impending doom and I personally like it this way because it fits with how life really is; an ongoing struggle. We can win little battles and taste triumph but can never win the war.
In terms of cast, there are no early appearances from young Hollywood A listers to look out for like there are in some films (Johhny Depp in A Nightmare On Elm Street anyone?) but this sort of schlock~horror doesn't really need them as lets face it, the undead are the real stars here and well known faces will always be forgotten when sharing a scene with brain loving zombies. (See above pic). Most memorable actor for me is James Karen who plays soon-to-be-zombie Frank and his hilarious panicking over his 'future'. (Yeah fair enough, I would too).
To sum it up then, The Return of the Living Dead isn't my favourite zombie movie but it is certainly the funniest I know of and because of its excellent sountrack it gets an extra thumbs up from me. Or maybe that should be an extra devil horns? Cool stuffs indeed.

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Movies Of the Cross Eyed Sofa Queens

Pass the dry roasted nuts

'Drunk films' are wonderful aren't they? Movies that always seem to slip into the dvd tray when you're on the wrong end of a bottle of booze. You know the film back to front and could recite the entire script if needed. Drunk films are different to favourite films (or with me they are) because they are usually left on the shelf if soft drinks are on the menu.
Without delving too deep into the why of it, I think the reason some films fall so easily into the 'drunk film' category is that they are able to slot into whatever alcoholic fantasy your brain seems to be stuck in on that particular session. Feel a bit like taking on the world? First Blood is your dvd. Want to fall into a sobbing mess of depression? Lob on some Schindler's List. There's always a movie to fit your glass of poison.
Here are the ten films I always choose when walking on the squiffy side of the ruler:

1. Point Break (1991)
Great boys own, action flick starring the late Patrick Swayze and the not so late but wooden Keanu Reeves. Highlights include Tank Girl having her cookie dusted and skydiving without parachutes.

2. The Dark Knight (2008)
You cannot fault a bit of Batman when plastered, especially when said Batman hails from Haverfordwest, Wales and Heath Ledger is mesmerising as the Joker. (Sad that already two men on my list are dead. Life is fragile my friends).

3. They Live (1988)
Wonderful 1980's movie about aliens secretly living amongst us and being thwarted by a mullet haired wrestler who likes to kick ass and chew bubblegum. Sadly for E.T. he's all out of bubblegum.

4. Dead Man Walking (1995)
Odd one this I suppose, (although not of you know me). Film about a nun (Susan Sarandon) who befriends a condemned inmate (Sean Penn) awaiting death by lethal injection. I sit pretty close to death whenever I drink, so I figure the reason for this being a favourite is I want to be in the 'company' of someone in a similar situation. Laughs Out Loud.

5. National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
Another 80's flick, this time about the Griswald family and their disastrous (but hilarious) roadtrip to Wally World. Chevy Chase heads the cast and even manages to make a dead old lady funny (by sticking her on the roof of the Family Truckster). I ROFL then, and I ROFL now.

6. Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Not a fan of Nic Cage usually but this is a proper drinking film. Cage plays a screenwriter whose life has hit the skids, so he decides to go to Las Vegas and drink himself to death. Even Elizabeth Shue, who is unbelievably sexy in this, cannot change his mind. He is a prickly pear, who has the shakes so bad he can't even sign a cheque until he gets a few drinkies in him. Top man!

7. Machete (2010)
One of THE best action films in many years. Danny Trejo is the hard-as-nails Machete, a Mexican Federale who is out to tear Steven Seagal a new ass. Oh yes Seagal, this time you won't be so hard to kill. Sterling cast to this one, with Robert De Niro almost stealing the show as a politician who casualy shoots a heavily pregnant Mexican woman attempting to cross the US border, as if she were a bug on a windscreen. Nice man.
Multiple behradings in one scene, abseiling down a building using human entrails in another. The coolnes never ends for Machete.

8. Titanic (1997)
Another strange choice of mine, largely because I didn't like the film. Personally I believe James Cameron merely directed a three hour fashion show, nothing else. And Leo DiCaprio (who has matured into a fine actor) looked like a teenage lesbian throughout the snoozefest. Perhaps like Dead Man Walking I enjoy the impending doom whilst sucking on a bottle. That or I fancy lesbians.

9. Twin Town (1997)
Its a comedy featuring Swansea and the late Huw Ceredig as a bloke called Fatty Lewis. Whats not to love? Also unlike most people, I sincerely hope a sequel isn't made. It could only ever be a disappointment. F**king hot dogs it is then!

10. House Of A 1000 Corpses (2003)
The most heavy metal soundtrack to drinking alcohol EVER! Bang this Rob Zombie movie on during a session and its guaranteed to deliver the grisly goods. One of my favourite horror flicks of recent times.

Indestructible Man

The chap is hard to kill

I picked up Indestructible Man (1956) on dvd for just £1 in one of those everythings-a-pound shops. These type of stores always have a good choice of cheap B movie type affairs on offer, and while most are pretty bad (occasionaly in a good way) you can strike gold at times. And personally I believe I did here. (That or im impervious to rubbish films. Blame Hollywood).
Indestructible Man was directed by Jack Pollexfen and had Lon Chaney Jr in the lead as robber/murderer Charles "Butcher" Benton who at the beginning of the film is executed in the gas chamber. (Sadly no execution scene for the ghouls among us). Bentons body is flogged to a scientist researching something or other and is zapped with electricity and injected with chemicals. Then just like Frankenstein he liveth again! (If Mary Shelley ever got to watch this in the EverAfter I suspect she was in tears over such a dumbed down version of her fantastic creation).
Butcher Benton then offs the scientist (bad luck fella) and sets out to find and strangle the lawyer who betrayed him in order to nick the dosh he robbed. (Never trust a lawyer sez I).
Now its far from a truly great movie but I quite enjoyed it nevertheless. And the fact that Lon Chaney Jr never speaks when he's turned into the Indestructible Man (his vocal chords are burnt from the chemicals) adds to the creep factor. He goes around like a shark, silently and mercilessly despatching his victims without a shred of emotion. It almost felt like how a good book feels, I settled into it easily. This may partly be due to it being in black & white and me associating it with more gentle films of the era, I know not. All I can say with certainty is I never found myself glancing at my watch and wishing for the credits. In fact I will definately watch Indestructible Man again sometime. It has a touch of charm about it and like Frankenstein's monster, you do feel a tad sorry for him, eventhough he was a violent criminal who met his end at the hands of the executioner. Speaking of violence, this is no gore fest I must inform you. Not a drop of blood is spilt so if you want blood go and listen to AC/DC. (Only fans of the awesome Aussies will get that little gag).
The movie also features the Angel's Flight, an inclined railtrack in Los Angeles. Ive always been suprised more directors haven't used this unusual railroad in their flicks. Its pretty neat.
Anyway check out Indestructible Man and you too might be pleasantly suprised. £1 won't let you do much else these days.

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American Ninja

The American ninja: fear him

American Ninja (1985) is one of my favourite action movies of the 1980s, and was one of the first to introduce me to the shady world of ninja. (From then on, no tree was safe from my attempts to climb it ninja style).
It was directed by Sam Firstenberg, and starred Michael Dudikoff and Steve James, who played an awesome side-kick to Dudikoff's ninja. (It was very sad when I learned only a few years ago on the internet that Steve died in 1993 from an unknown cancer, aged only 41.)
The story is simple: Joe (Ninja dude) enlists as a soldier and gets sent to an American army base in the Philippines after being given the choice of this or prison. Also on the island is 'buisnessman' Victor Ortega who is stealing arms from the Army base and flogging them to the highest bidder. On one of these weapons hijacks it all goes boobs up and Joe has to rescue the Colonel's daughter. When he does this he is put on Ortegas 'wanted dead' list and assigns a Black Star Ninja to the job. (As well as nicking weapons, Vic also has a secret ninja academy. Cool!)
Needless to say the villains are no match for the American Ninja, who despatches his opponents as only a ninja can. Even the Black Star master gets offed without too much trouble.
One of the cool things about American Ninja is the partnership between the Dudikoff and James characters. They begin the film with the latter accusing private Joe of cowardice and challenging him to a scrap. Without laying a finger on his opponent, silent Joe prompty puts him in his place. From then on they become best buddies and are a double act to be reckoned with. (Good news is they team up again for American Ninja 2).
I know a few other sites have panned this film but I think took it too seriously, because for what it is, American Ninja is good fun and definately one to watch with a few mates around sharing beers. Ninjas + alcohol = win!
And hows this for a movie tagline ~
The deadliest art of the Orient is now in the hands of an American.
Brilliant!

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Candyman

A Nineties classic

Candyman (1992) is a cool horror flick based on the short story The Forbidden by Clive Barker. It was directed by Bernard Rose and starred the delicious Virginia Madsen. (I followed much of Ms Madsen's career due to her deliciousness). Her role in this movie is a great one: she plays a young woman (well she could hardly play an old man could she?) who is writing a thesis on urban legends. A cleaner in the university mentions the legend of the Candyman to her, a killer who can be summoned by saying 'candyman' in front of the mirror five times and thus begins one of the bloodiest and most memorable films ever to come from the 1990s. Proof? I still can't bring myself to say Candyman to the mirror. It creeps me out which shows that Clive and his ghost story did their job.
Virginia isn't so lucky however. Her character is brave (and foolish) enough to call the monster from the mirror's depths and from then on she goes to the brink of insanity, from being accused of murder to even being almost seduced by the hook handed Candyman (played by Tony Todd).


He's behind you!

I like Candyman as a character. He has a certain charm and is not a mindless murdering meat machine like Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. He is well spoken and I can easily imagine him reading classic poetry, flicking the pages with his rusty hook. This should come as no suprise because another of Barkers horror villains Pinhead from Hellraiser, is equally, if not more, charming. In a sadistic, cruel kinda way.
But all of the films main players have a fairly strong onscreen presence. Virginia's husband got my goat as a loathesome chap who cheats on his wife when she is at her most desperate, locked up and looking at a lengthy stay in chateux de jail. Not exactly the devoted hubby then.
Another big plus which makes the film even creepier (if a demented Captain Hook doesn't do it for you) is the way the run down buildings are daubed with statements like Sweets For The Sweet and giant portraits of Candyman (see above). Its very sinister, especially when you see the sweets left out for Santa the bogeyman.
The movie ends in a rather horrortastic way when the fiend is burned to death in a bonfire as the residents of the building he has held fear over look on. But its not all good news as Madsen's character also dies from the burns she suffers after attempting to save a baby. No typical heroine-saves-the-day ending here.
Mind you she does get to kill her slimy husband in the final scene by copying Candyman and appearing before him in a mirror before slicing him open. I was happy with that because he was a creep.
All in all this is a great movie and any self respecting horror fan should see it at least five times in tribute to the hooked terror.

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El Chupacabra

Fear it. Really

El Chupacabra is one from the Hard Gore stable of films, and if this is 'gore' they must be reading a different dictionary to me. So where to begin with a movie thats dvd cover art is the best thing about it? Well actualy it starts with the cover because just above the title are the words "Starring Treach" as if announcing some major Hollywood A lister. Erm...excuse me? Treach? Who the frig is he/she?
The story is simple ~ an animal control officer and a scientist (dressed like a lap dancer complete with short skirt) are hunting the infamous chupacabra which has been bred by two guys for God only knows what reason and has escaped. (How hard is it to keep an overgrown gerbil locked up?) Suprisingly there is no sinister corporation behind them like there usually is in these films. Also on the trail are two 'bad ass' cops who aren't really bad ass in the slightest.
The film looks cheaper than a fake Christmas tree, something stoned students might film and the chupacabra looks like one of those 1980's toys, Boglins. The 'actors' would be better cast in adverts and even then I wouldn't buy the product they were selling. I don't think ive ever looked at my watch more during this fetid pile of garbage.
There were some LOLs however. The animal control officers van had 'Animal Regulation' stencilled on the side and was obviously pasted on by a three year old, and one of the corpses was still breathing as the idiot cops mulled over his body. How bad is a film when even the actors can't be bothered to hold their breath?
In another scene the chuccy is chasing the animal control dude and he gives it the slip by hiding in a car boot/trunk. This after we are told by the 'scientist' that the chupacabra has 'well developed and great senses'. Yeah right, whatever. And don't get me started on the guy who gets shot in the legs and carries on running away!?
This is a bad bad movie and makes me wonder if it might be the reason the chupacabra is so elusive. Afterall if somebody released a film this atrocious about me, id be in hiding too. AVOID!

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