One Eyed Monster

Blows a load

"The most outrageous horror story in the world...Or out of it!" Announces the blurb on the back of the DVD case like a circus ringmaster on amphetamine, and Gutterbox cant help but agree. One Eyed Monster is definately outrageous but sometimes that means falling on the wrong side of good or bad. Afterall, anyone can be outrageous, all it takes is enough Jagerbombs.
I don't know what I was expecting from a film where the monster is an alien homocidal maniac dick but boy this is straight from the walk of shame. Sound odd? Its madness, hich would be fine if it was any good but it isn't. What this film is is terrible, even worse than Ozombie. The only good thing about One Eyed Monster is the fact that it stars two porno legends in Ron Jeremy and the ever beautiful Veronics Hart.
So what goes on? The cast and crew of a pornographic film head off up a snowy mountain to film some fruity scenes for a forthcoming skin flick but all goes to sh!t when Ron J goes off for a pee and a weird light hits him and his prized member gets possessed by an alien force, killing Ron and going after the rest of the cast. Thats right, the One Eyed Monster here is a penis, though what Ronnie has been feeding it on I shudder to think. Laughs Out Loud.
Ut sounds like a real hoot, perfect so-bad-its-good material but unfortunately the dick might be hungry but its a limp mess. You hardly ever see any deaths and even when you do see a guy get split in two, its not the messy end you could expect from better horror film directors. The gore count is a flaccid ZERO despite it being rated over 18 and as splatter movies go its rather like eating chocolate with the wrapper on. One Eyed Monster could easily be rated 15.
The only funny line I got from it was "Ive got an axe to Bobbit you back to space." Which did make me chuckle but besides that this has nothing going for it. (And lets not forget, im a huge fan of Veronica Hart and her other movies *ahem*) I only paid £1 for One Eyed Monster but I still feel cheated. Avoid like an STD.

Gutterbox rating

Broads Beneath the Light II

Retro Princess: Suzanne Snyder

I ♥ the 80's. The videogames, movies, metal music. It felt like we were at the dawn of a new age, and of course we were, just think about all the classic stuff this decade gave us. Pac Man, Rambo and Metallica all belong in this era, along with a treasure trove of other cool stuff.
The eighties also brought the beautiful Suzanne Snyder (above) to the silver screen, most famously in Weird Science (1985) and the totally cool B movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988). My heart reached a few new gears, when my teenage eyeballs saw her play the two Debs in those two films.
Ms Snyder is the entire package for me. A typical American Beauty, Miss Heartbreak '85. She hits all the right notes and could make chalk on a blackboard sound good. Cute, pretty, sweet, gorgeous; the leading light in a cave of otherwise horse faced Sarah Jessica Parker lookalikes. (Or should that be stable?)
Gutterbox f**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder. If I still owned a pencil case I would stencil "Gutterbox F**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder" all over it. Funnily enough those two movies are the only things I have ever seen her in. I know she has appeared in other films and shows but ive missed them. Perhaps its better this way because time might not have been kind to her. But I can't imagine that, not when I gaze into the photo above like a frothy schoolkid home alone with his first smutty magazine.

Zombie Attack

Museum Of Zombies?

See where it says Zombie Attack on the dvd cover? Well it ignore it because according to the menu screen this movie is called Museum Of The Dead. And before you think ive drunkenly mixed up my films, no siree! It has the words Zombie Attack slapped on the disc in sickly yellow. Splendid! Before we even begin, we don't know what the actual movie is called. How about we jumble it up a little: Zombie Attacks In The Museum Of The Dead? Dead Museums Attacks Zombies? To be honest you could call it Zombie Does Dallas, it makes no difference because the pulse to this movie has truly left the building. Or museum.
So what gives? American students decide to spend Halloween in a museum that is exhibiting skulls and ancient relics. Oh and its haunted by psychotic, painted warriors in grass skirts and 'zombies' with torches for eyeballs. Where they came from, or why they are prowling around a Californian museum (I assume its Cali) we are never really told, only that some bad guy called "Boli" decided it would be sorta fun.
Seriously this is one of those movies that feels like it was knocked up as the cameras rolled. No story or script, just make shit up as we go along! "I know! Lets have two idiot women wander around a maze-like museum and have them act really stinky when something nasty pops up!" Yup, its exactly as if the director thought this.
Now usually in movies this awful there are funny scenes (albeit unintentional) but Zombie WhateverItsCalled has none which was disappointing because I needed something to keep me watching. (Why do you think those pints of cider always appear in the photographs? Those aren't props man, they're medicinal.)


Don't look into its eyes!
It has the stare of 1000 Miseries.

To cut a long story (what story?) short, Zombie Attack is a f**king shambles of a horror movie, (or any type of damned movie) and ive watched gentle, summer clouds pass over with more sense of panic than this painful abomination. Think of the time you made your first catapult as a youngster. There you stood, clutching a new weapon, feeling all badass and plotting the first rabbit kill on a hunt. You were going to lay waste to all but all you ever hit were empty baked bean tins. This is what this movie must have been like for its makers. An abysmal failure.

Gutterbox rating

EvilBreed: Legend of Samhain

Breasts roam these woods

There ought to be warnings on certain movies: "Caution this film contains porn actors, as a result this dvd has a strong probability of being garbage". Then again when delving into the bargain bin of a cheapo shop , one mustn't expect Citizen Kane. Or even Citizen Wolfy (fans of 70s British television will understand.)
Now lets be clear here, Gutterbox is not saying porno stars in films are a bad thing. Oh no quite the contrary, watching the gorgeous Ginger Lynn Allen adopt an 'Irish' accent and call herself Pandora is a good thing in a pervy kinda way and gets a thumbs up from this site. And having Jenna Jameson's famous tittyfallays plastered over the dvd cover is a welcome sight indeed. They are a thing of beauty indeed! The pair of 'em.
Its just that....well acting is not their strong point. (Although I could argue that horror movies are not 'serious cinema' and therefore porno actors suit the genre perfectly but anyway *shrugs*)
EvilBreed sets out its cheapo stall early on with a coastal flyover that is the opening credits. Come on director chappy! This was nicked off an old British tourism advert right? I half expected Leonard Rossiter to walk into shot carrying a bottle of Martini. Its possibly one of the most weird starts to a horror film ever, and ruins any creepy vibe that should be there in its place. But I should have known, especially when just a few screens later we witness a woman in obvious distress being swallowed alive by what appears to be quicksand, and her 'boinking pardner' asking, "Amy, are you okay?" Erm...drowning in quicksand is fun?
Possibly more fun than this movie.

Fer Crissakes stick to the path!




Best enema EVER

EvilBreed sort of admits its rubbish when one of the students comments that all bad slasher movies star sex hungry teenagers and virgin heroes but I got the feeling it was being serious. "Yes we know other films are bad but we are aware of how bad thus making us cool". Thats the vibe I got from it. And it IS bad folks, trust me when a dvd is paused as much as this just to grab daft photographs to post on Twitter then the director has f**ked up. Yup its boring.
There was one hilarious bit though. When Jenna Jameson's character gets nabbed by the monster who after gutting her, reaches under her breast bone and yanks out a bag of silicone which he tries to eat. The WTF look on his mug is priceless and if he was a descendant creature of Sawney Beane (an old Scottish cannibal) then he must have wondered what humans had done to themselves in 500 years.
So anywhoo a quick synopsis: troubled teens go to Ireland with well meaning adult. Troubled teens ignore local traditions/folklore and get murdered in suitable grisly fashion by man in a costume made up of teeth and boils. The End. Its pretty much textbook horror by numbers and the only thing missing is a killer with a stoopid name and even stoopider costume (see my Killjoy review elsewhere on this site.)
I was really hoping for another addition to the Gutterbox Quid Club with EvilBreed because its been a while since we had a decent cheesy slasher-fest to put on the shelf, but alas where it qualified on the fact it only cost £1 from Poundland, it utterly FAILED on the So-Bad-Its-Great side of things. Would I recommend it? Only if you are Jenna Jameson or Ginger Lynn Allen's number one fans and had to buy ALL of their movies.

Gutterbox rating

Ozombie

He wasn't dead afterall *shocker*

£5. You don't get much for a fiver these days and what you do get (in the way of entertainment) can pretty much be guaranteed garbage unless its an old classic. (Check out the prices of a new Playstation 3 triple A title to see what I mean.) Long gone are the days of Chinese takeaway, a four pack and an evening on the tiles. If you happen to be stuck indoors with a fiver, you are limited to the oodles of fun you can have without renting from Blockys or Netflix.
Luckily for you cheap horror films like Ozombie exist. Believe me, mucho fun can be had for just five of your British pounds as long as you don't take your fun so seriously.
Ozombie. This movie looked such a perfect title for the Gutterbox. The bloodthirsty undead. Sexy women. Loud guns and cheesy one liners. Hell count us in! Just add alcohol and its a sure fire hit. Or is it? Well it would have been if only certain things had been erased. Some pointers: weedy boy band lookalikes are never a good idea in horror films. They end up looking like tone deaf X Factor rejects, scrambling around looking for mummy. (And incidentally when filmed in slow motion, bitch slapping mannequins just end up looking like an episode of Jackass on rewind.)
Oh and female hard asses. Either hire Leila Ali and do that shit proper or dont. Avoid booking some bubble haired tease who looks about as threatening as Minnie the Minx. Oh and steer clear of attempting Terminator type killer lines. Hmmm...what was it again? "Hey Bum Face!" (True line taken from Ozombie.) Yes that ought to send the baddies screaming for them thar hills.




Touch! Ozombie's on it! Ruuuuun!

Anyhoo you wanna hear the story? Its wafer ham thin but here goes: Dusty is on a desperate mission to save her brother Derek, a lad convinced Osama bin Laden is alive, nevermind the whole buried at sea lark. Over in Afghanistan, Dusty meets a gang of special forces on a hush hush mission (aint they all?) And whaddya know? Derek is not so crazy, and Bin Laden has returned the grave. Shit! Not only that but he's creating a zombie terrorist army. Double shit!
Guess what happens? You're ahead of me right? Yup the soldiery macho gang, crash into the middle of the apocalypse and must battle their comical asses out of the undead infestation.
Now I like zombie flicks. I FKING LOVE 'EM! But Ozombie is dead from the start. Its worse than dead, its slopping out as the disc spins while your cellmate sizes up that cute ass of yours. I went from wondering if this was a boy band video gone down a bad alley, or a MTV dress rehearsal. Its craaaap in other words, bereft of any cool ideas whatsoever. Of course the Gutterbox know only too well what happened here. After a few too many bourbons at the movie lot, some guy primed on scotch fumes pitched a 'real rad idea' about a pissed off Osama wanting to kick Western ass in revenge for his inglororious end. "Make him a f**king ZOMBIE!" Said film man. "Everyone loves zombies, look at The Walking Dead. It will rock!" And the nodding heads (none too wiser from the same bourbon) gave Ozombie a green light. Lucky us eh? Wheres that fly swatter?
Let Gutterbox put you lovely readers right here: as we've already said, you don't have much options on what to waste a fiver on but quite frankly you'd have more fun lighting the note and watching money burn than buy this dvd. Unless you really love zombies, and we mean really REALLY love zombies, like having zombie pyjamas and zombie flavoured toothpaste (hmmm idea there), Ozombie isn't much fun. Or much good. Or isn't much anything.

Gutterbox rating

Ghoulies II

Scream until you like it

Ghoulies (1985) is a rarity in movies in that the sequel is actually better than the original. Its more fun and 'in yer face' making the first one rather dull in comparison. All that seems to happen in Ghoulies is a a guy and his squeeze move into an old creepy looking mansion (aren't they all creepy?) and he gets into witchcraft and the 'dark arts', bringing demons to the place. The fool. And you know what? Its not much more than that. No chilling atmosphere, or gory deaths, it is the ready salted to the sequels salt and vinegar.
Ghoulies II (1988) on the other hand, is a good outing and was accompanied by a banging "Scream Until You Like It" theme song by metal band W.A.S.P. Its everything the original wasn't and you could be forgiven for thinking they are not even part of the same 'series'. The second movie rocks (and not just because of W.A.S.P.) hell it even has a Shakespeare quoting dwarf called Sir Nigel Penneyweight who looks like Lionel Ritchies mad (shorter) twin and a tanked up Royal Dano. (Theres another actor who like George 'Buck' Flower, seemed to be in every movie of the 1980s.)
The story is simple: the ghoulies hide in "Satan's Den", part of a travelling circus and fortunes are about to change for the struggling attraction when the fiendish demons begin killing off its customers (customers who initially believed the monsters were part of the act.) So its up to uncle Ned (Dano), his nephew and Sir Nigel to put a stop to the bloody shenanigans and a roaring little romp it is too. If you haven't seen it yet (where have you been?) then I suggest you head on over to Youtube where some kind soul has uploaded it in handy 10 minute parts.
Don't be suprised if you find yourself rooting for the beasties either. This film, much like Critters which was released around the same time, is one of those horror films where the audience gets taken in by the 'charm' of the baddies. For instance in a scene at the fairground where a Ghoulie pulls the bolt out of a ride which sees the unfortunate occupants hurtling to their deaths, I found myself punching the air and laughing like a drain. (And I know others have too so it wasn't down to my macabre sense of humour.)
Just avoid the first film, theres nothing worth punching there apart from yourself if you spent money buying it.



Bang that head

Retro Evening

Im 41 today, and now that birthdays are coming sooner because with age the years get shorter, I thought it good to watch the movies that were released when I was 14, my age today with the kindest number first. Years seemed longer back then, much much longer.