Evil Dead 2013

Im with you Ash.

Just watched the Evil Dead remake (2013) directed by Fede Alvarez and oh woes, just as I expected it was nothing to write home about (or even bother going to buy a stamp.) Even watching for free I felt cheated, so seriously, do not get excited about slapping that £5 Morrisons DVD into the player. The original has not been bested, not by a long shot. And I was one of those pumped at the time by those excellent trailers. In the words of the interwebs; I iz disappoint.
So what was different? Well this time the five chums head out to the famous spooky, remote cabin to help a friend withdraw from drugs (and admittedly I liked this idea) but besides that nothing changes. At all. The dopes (pun intended) discover the awesomely titled "Book Of The Dead", end up summoning mad demons from a properly f**ked up universe and its evil spirit possession a-go-go! The fight for survival is on baby!
Now don't get me wrong, it IS a gore filled jamboree, that I will grant thee, any vampire watching will be in raptures over the lashings of human claret spilled but other than that (and to be fair, some aren't looking for more) this remake isn't a patch on the original. In fact the full on turbo gore gets a tad tedious by the end because its used so much. "Oh, theres another severed limb scene? Ho hum, pass the cider." By the finale all those falling guts and innards only serve to make the viewer feel bloated and fed up, and you can forget any hopes of getting freaked out like you were in the original (and you were admit it), it just ain't happening in the 2013 version. By the end, the more the chainsaw screams, the more I was belching out the yawnage. "More blood sir?" "No thanks Jeeves, pass the Watership Down."
Oh and the female 'Ash'? Weak man, no more a boomstick than a tickling stick.

Gutterbox rating

The Human Centipede

Not impressed: a real centipede yesterday

Oh dear. Who gave this mess the green light? It always happens with horror films though, so I shouldn't be surprised. Every so often a writer/director comes along and attempts to be as outrageous as possible, but in this eagerness to provoke a reaction they forget that supposedly shocking ideas often look ridiculous when they are 'assembled' on the silver screen. The Human Centipede is a fine example of this. Whats the matter Mr Tom Six? Couldn't come up with anything better? He claims it was inspired by a drunken idea and that I can well believe. Some ideas sound grand when floating on whisky clouds but alas it is time to sober up.
This movie is no David Cronenberg masterpiece. Stitching people together to create a pet centipede? Lame. An dea a group of stoned students might cobble together after a few weak spliffs. Sure its a nod in the direction of Nazi surgeons but its not shocking in the least. In fact I watched it as total comedy, more often than not wondering how I could get my crazy ideas funded for film. Did he drug them like Dr Heiter does his victims? And who were these 'actors'? Id never heard of any of them. Couldn't hire anyone decent huh?
After the success of movies like Saw and Hostel, directors are tearing down boundaries of decency in order to get the next gory hit but sooner or later you will hit a wall. Nothing seems as shocking anymore and this is what I feel happened with the Human Centipede; it thinks it has a mind blowing, new idea to cause revulsion and it probably would have done 20 years ago but today? No.
And yet weirdly, even after saying all of this I would still recommend people give it a spin. It does have a truly sinister vibe throughout and even though I personally didn't find the idea behind "The Human Centipede" shocking, its definitely creepy and pokes at the nerves of revulsion. Mainly because the very idea of a surgeon using his skills to 'sculpt' abominations reminds us like ive said of the Nazi horrors of WW2 and shakes our trust in the image of the kindly doctor (this is a profession meant to fix human bodies, not mutilate them.)
I just feel it missed the chance to be a classic horror due to being made at a time when audiences have mostly been desensitized owing to the amount of gore hitting the silver screen. Don't forget, this is an age where even zombies have their own television series (The Walking Dead) which is quite the leap from the Dallas and A Teams that I grew up with.
A mixed bag then for me, rather like the 'centipede' itself.

Gutterbox rating

Cabin In The Woods

The Gutterbox doesn't usually cover mainstream movies but after watching "Cabin In The Woods" recently and being a tad impressed by it, it deserves a quick mention. This is a chunky funky film which reminded me of "Evil Dead" dropped into the grinder with a touch of "Saw" and a smidgen of "Fear No Evil". To be honest I wasn't expecting much but quickly got into it. There are not many modern horror flicks worth a second glance, afterall its all been done before, how many new bloody deaths can one dream up without repeating oneself? Also directors are dealing with a largely desensitised audience, it can't be easy revving those eager, bloodthirsty pulses.

Sharktopus

Mexico beware

Eric Roberts has had better gigs I can assure you. And yes, that even includes DOA: Dead or Alive. Poor guy must have had an unexpected elecricity bill to pay or something because its the only reason I can think why anyone would willingly be involved in Sharktopus. Hey theres no shame, we've all had to do it at some point (okay perhaps not feature in rubbish B-movies but you know what I mean.) GutterBox had high hopes for this movie too, its a sucker for 'creature features' but alas there is little of either here. Turn back folks! It is disappoint.
So what gives? The good ol' U.S. Navy goes hunting for a new weapon and when a group ('Blue Water') create a half-octopus, half-shark beast, the Navy decides this nightmarish hybrid would be perfect. Submarines? They are SOOO 1980's. Far better (certainly cooler) to have the love-child of Jaws and the Kraken on the team and unleash THAT onto the enemy. S-11 (codename) is the pet of a mad professor from a videogame and its got to be said he (or she) does look pretty neat. I mean you wouldn't want one swimming off the Pembrokeshire Coast or anything but S-11 is definately the stuff of horror films. Shame this one makes him look rubbish.
Basically Sharktopus is a t!t parade with a rubber shark monstrosity poking its head in and out of cleavage every so often.
You can guess what happens right? Yup, Sharktopus escapes and is soon snacking on a smörgåsbord of beach worshippers. MMmm! Lovely! Pass the sauce tartare. And suddenly its up to a reporter, her cameraman (nice tatts by the way) and a mercenary to slay the beast. Seems the U.S. Navy are kinda woosie when it comes to clearing up their own mess.


Jaws gets owned

Gutterbox rating

One Eyed Monster

Blows a load

"The most outrageous horror story in the world...Or out of it!" Announces the blurb on the back of the DVD case like a circus ringmaster on amphetamine, and Gutterbox cant help but agree. One Eyed Monster is definately outrageous but sometimes that means falling on the wrong side of good or bad. Afterall, anyone can be outrageous, all it takes is enough Jagerbombs.
I don't know what I was expecting from a film where the monster is an alien homocidal maniac dick but boy this is straight from the walk of shame. Sound odd? Its madness, hich would be fine if it was any good but it isn't. What this film is is terrible, even worse than Ozombie. The only good thing about One Eyed Monster is the fact that it stars two porno legends in Ron Jeremy and the ever beautiful Veronics Hart.
So what goes on? The cast and crew of a pornographic film head off up a snowy mountain to film some fruity scenes for a forthcoming skin flick but all goes to sh!t when Ron J goes off for a pee and a weird light hits him and his prized member gets possessed by an alien force, killing Ron and going after the rest of the cast. Thats right, the One Eyed Monster here is a penis, though what Ronnie has been feeding it on I shudder to think. Laughs Out Loud.
Ut sounds like a real hoot, perfect so-bad-its-good material but unfortunately the dick might be hungry but its a limp mess. You hardly ever see any deaths and even when you do see a guy get split in two, its not the messy end you could expect from better horror film directors. The gore count is a flaccid ZERO despite it being rated over 18 and as splatter movies go its rather like eating chocolate with the wrapper on. One Eyed Monster could easily be rated 15.
The only funny line I got from it was "Ive got an axe to Bobbit you back to space." Which did make me chuckle but besides that this has nothing going for it. (And lets not forget, im a huge fan of Veronica Hart and her other movies *ahem*) I only paid £1 for One Eyed Monster but I still feel cheated. Avoid like an STD.

Gutterbox rating

Broads Beneath the Light II

Retro Princess: Suzanne Snyder

I ♥ the 80's. The videogames, movies, metal music. It felt like we were at the dawn of a new age, and of course we were, just think about all the classic stuff this decade gave us. Pac Man, Rambo and Metallica all belong in this era, along with a treasure trove of other cool stuff.
The eighties also brought the beautiful Suzanne Snyder (above) to the silver screen, most famously in Weird Science (1985) and the totally cool B movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988). My heart reached a few new gears, when my teenage eyeballs saw her play the two Debs in those two films.
Ms Snyder is the entire package for me. A typical American Beauty, Miss Heartbreak '85. She hits all the right notes and could make chalk on a blackboard sound good. Cute, pretty, sweet, gorgeous; the leading light in a cave of otherwise horse faced Sarah Jessica Parker lookalikes. (Or should that be stable?)
Gutterbox f**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder. If I still owned a pencil case I would stencil "Gutterbox F**king ♥ Suzanne Snyder" all over it. Funnily enough those two movies are the only things I have ever seen her in. I know she has appeared in other films and shows but ive missed them. Perhaps its better this way because time might not have been kind to her. But I can't imagine that, not when I gaze into the photo above like a frothy schoolkid home alone with his first smutty magazine.

Zombie Attack

Museum Of Zombies?

See where it says Zombie Attack on the dvd cover? Well it ignore it because according to the menu screen this movie is called Museum Of The Dead. And before you think ive drunkenly mixed up my films, no siree! It has the words Zombie Attack slapped on the disc in sickly yellow. Splendid! Before we even begin, we don't know what the actual movie is called. How about we jumble it up a little: Zombie Attacks In The Museum Of The Dead? Dead Museums Attacks Zombies? To be honest you could call it Zombie Does Dallas, it makes no difference because the pulse to this movie has truly left the building. Or museum.
So what gives? American students decide to spend Halloween in a museum that is exhibiting skulls and ancient relics. Oh and its haunted by psychotic, painted warriors in grass skirts and 'zombies' with torches for eyeballs. Where they came from, or why they are prowling around a Californian museum (I assume its Cali) we are never really told, only that some bad guy called "Boli" decided it would be sorta fun.
Seriously this is one of those movies that feels like it was knocked up as the cameras rolled. No story or script, just make shit up as we go along! "I know! Lets have two idiot women wander around a maze-like museum and have them act really stinky when something nasty pops up!" Yup, its exactly as if the director thought this.
Now usually in movies this awful there are funny scenes (albeit unintentional) but Zombie WhateverItsCalled has none which was disappointing because I needed something to keep me watching. (Why do you think those pints of cider always appear in the photographs? Those aren't props man, they're medicinal.)


Don't look into its eyes!
It has the stare of 1000 Miseries.

To cut a long story (what story?) short, Zombie Attack is a f**king shambles of a horror movie, (or any type of damned movie) and ive watched gentle, summer clouds pass over with more sense of panic than this painful abomination. Think of the time you made your first catapult as a youngster. There you stood, clutching a new weapon, feeling all badass and plotting the first rabbit kill on a hunt. You were going to lay waste to all but all you ever hit were empty baked bean tins. This is what this movie must have been like for its makers. An abysmal failure.

Gutterbox rating